Through my looking glass

Random thoughts and memories popping into my head in the next five minutes.
Ready
Set
Go

I got a free drink and free christmas lights yesterday.

I slept through AP English today. And I lied to Michael at the same time. I feel worse about the second.

My eyes keep twitching. I must be pretty tired.

My back really hurts.

Brittany Boughman is in Hawaii.

I almost got a poem published as the top ten in the nation, but I forgot to submit the second form so it was only published normally.

I've only ever dreamt about my grandma Carol. Not Helen.

I found my camera earlier.

I've ridden a camel once. It was pretty great. I ate alligator that same day.

There's a lunar eclipse tonight.

I woke up the other night to my mom crying and yelling at my dad.

I forget how unusual it is that my biological parents are still together.

I still have hives from stressing too much. However, I've fought off any recent panic scares.

I can hum and whistle at the same time.

I love futurama.

I want to write a song.

I used to cry for hours when I was little when I thought about death and how absolute it is.

I really like runts. The candy.

I'm afraid of a lot of irrational stuff.

Times up.

   Well that was fun. I think I'll do more random crap like that every once and a while. Hope everyone has a good night.

Ttyl

88/129 This is why I can call myself stupid.

(X) Smoked A Cigarette
(X) Smoked A Cigar
(X) Kissed a member of the same sex
(X) Drank Alcohol
SO FAR: 4

Level 2

(X) Are / Been In Love
(X) Been Dumped
(X) Shoplifted
() Been Fired
() Been In A Fist Fight

SO FAR: 7

Level 3

(X) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(X) Skipped School
() Dated A Co-worker
() Seen Someone / Something Die

SO FAR: 9

Level 4

(X) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your Facebook Friends
( ) Been To Paris
( ) Been To England
(X) Been On A Plane

SO FAR: 11



Level 5

() Eaten Sushi
() Been Snowboarding
() Met Someone BECAUSE Of Facebook/Myspace/MXit
(X) Been in a Mosh Pit
SO FAR: 12

Level 6

(X) Taken Pain Killers
(X) Loved/Liked Someone Who You Can't Have
(X) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(X) Made A Snow Angel
SO FAR: 16


Level 7

() Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
() Gone Mudding
(x) Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 19


Level 8

(X) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
(X) Gone Sledding
(X) Cheated While Playing A Game
(X) Been Lonely
(X) Fallen Asleep At Work / School
SO FAR: 24

Level 9

(X) Watched The Sun Set
() Felt An Earthquake
(X) Held A Snake

SO FAR: 26


Level 10

(X) Been Tickled
(X) Been Robbed / Vandalized
(X) Been Cheated On
(X) Been Misunderstood
SO FAR: 30


Level 11

(X) Won A Contest
() Been Suspended From School
(X) Had Detention
(X) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident

SO FAR:33

Level 12

() Had / Have Braces
() Eaten A Whole Pint Of Ice Cream In One Night
(X) Danced In The Moonlight

SO FAR: 34


Level 13

(X) Hated The Way You Look
(X) Witnessed A Crime
() Pole Danced
(X) Questioned Your Heart
(X) Been Obsessed With Post It Notes

SO FAR: 38

Level 14

(X) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(X) Been Lost
() Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(X) Swam In The Ocean
(X) Felt Like You Were Dying
SO FAR: 42


Level 15

(X) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(X) Played Cops And Robbers
(X)Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(X) Sang Karaoke
(X) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins
SO FAR: 47

Level 16

(X) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
(X) Made Prank Phone Calls
(X) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
(X) Kissed In The Rain
SO FAR: 51

Level 17

(X) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(X) Watched The Sun Set and/or Sun Rise With Someone You Care/Cared About
(X) Blown Bubbles
() Made A Bonfire On The Beach
SO FAR: 54


Level 18

() Crashed A Party
() Have Travelled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(X) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(X) Had A Wish Come True

SO FAR: 56


Level 19

(X) Worn Pearls
(X) Jumped Off A Bridge
() Swam With Dolphins
SO FAR: 58

Level 20

(X) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/Ice Cube
() Kissed A Fish
(X) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
(X) Sat On A Roof Top
SO FAR: 61

Level 21

(X) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
() Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
(X) Talked On The Phone For More Than 4 Hours
(X) Recently Stayed Up For A While Talking To Someone You Care About
SO FAR: 64

Level 22

() Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(X) Climbed A Tree
(X) Had/Been In A Tree House
() Been Scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone

SO FAR: 66


Level 23

() Believe In Ghosts
() Have/had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
() Streaking
() Visited a Jail
SO FAR: 66

Level 24

(x) Played Chicken
(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
() Broken A Bone
(x) Been Easily Amused

SO FAR: 69


Level 25

() Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
() Made A Porn Movie
(X) Caught A Butterfly
(X) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(X) Cried So Hard You Laughed
SO FAR: 72

Level 26

(X) Mooned/Flashed Someone
(X) Had Someone Moon/Flash You
(X) Cheated On A Test
(X) Forgotten Someone's Name
() French Braided Someones Hair
(X) Gone Skinny Dipping
() Been Kicked Out Of Your House

SO FAR: 77

Level 27

(X) Rode A Roller Coaster
() Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling
(X) Had A Cavity
(X) Black-Mailed Someone
(X) Been Black Mailed
SO FAR: 81


Level 28

(X) Been Used
(X) Fell Going Up The Stairs
(X) Licked by A Cat
(X) Bitten Someone
(X) Licked Someone
SO FAR: 86

Level 29

() Been Shot At/Or At Gunpoint
() Had Sex In The Rain
() Flattened Someones Tires
(X) Rode Your Bike/Driven Your Car Until The Fuel Light Came On
(X) Got $20 Or Less Worth Of Fuel
Total: 88

This is for you Mrs. Hance...

"I worry about getting the stuff done, but that doesn't mean I do it."

You wanted me to type this out and think about it. So here it goes.

   I worry about everything. I always have since I was little. Like, teeny tiny. When I was finally able to figure out that every action had a concequence, good or bad, I worried. So of course I worry about this class and getting a good grade in it.  But I also worry about my friends, two of which are likely to go into a major depressive episode at any moment and try to kill themselves or be sent of to a psychiatric hospital. I worry about trying to get a job so I'm not a financial waste for my parents anymore. I worry about getting into college next year and what I'm going to do with my life after highschool. I worry a lot, even though worrying never really solve anything.

   All this worry does is stress me out. And all that stress does is make me even more tired than my medication already does. So all I want to do is eat, cry, and sleep. Honestly. I don't think I've admitted that in awhile. The only break I've really gotten from that is when I'm with or talking with Michael because then nothing else exists in my world. But when I'm not, I have days like I did Wednesday and Thursday. I have uncontrollable panic attacks in public and even when I calm down emotionally I can't force myself to physically calm down. Stress is piling up, because when I'm stressed, I don't want to do anything and when I don't want to do anything, I get stressed because I fall behind.

   It's a terrible cycle, but that's how my mind works. I'm sorry it makes it seem like I don't care. Deep down I really really do. I want to do good and understand and make people proud but my subconcious keeps telling me it's not really worth it... It's so stupid. But this is why I can worry about getting something done, but never do it. Even doing it makes me stress. If I try something, I want the results to be perfect. It's been harder to get things perfect anymore. I'm thinking the weather isn't helping. I'm hoping that's all it is. But it's been hard. It's been hard to try. But I have been..

Sincerly,

            Kim

Thanks Mr. K

You were right.
This has stuck with me.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
Oh no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Sonnet 116 - Shakespear

   That was such a cool project. Our group was definitely the best ever. For those of you taking Honors World Lit this year, don't just overlook this project. Take it to heart. It's worth having things to remember. Honestly.
   Also, my friend found this quote and I fell in love with it.

This was love at first sight, love everlasting: a feeling unknown, unhoped for, unexpected - in so far as it could be a matter of conscious awareness; it took entire possession of him, and he understood, with joyous amazement, that this was for life

-Thomas Mann

Apparently this is from his short story "Early Sorrow". I just thought it was beautiful. I like quotes about love. Often they can describe the feelings that I can't. 

Stress - A Long One

Dear Reader,
   Today, I had an hour long panic attack. It was pretty great. I'm pretty sure, someday, I'm going to die of a heart attack because I let so much stress in and I have a terrible time letting it go. Let me tell you how it went...
   At five o'clock this morning I was woken abruptly by the sound of my phone vibrating against something hard. Normally this wouldn't have phased me, but it wasn't just three buzzes for a text, no, someone was calling me. No one calls me that early unless it's an emergency. I floundered in my bed for what seemed like ages, trying to find my phone. The buzzing stopped. I panicked. Luckily the light didn't go off before I had a chance to see it tucked in the metal frame of my bed. I grabbed it, saw who called, and immediately called back. I knew what the phone call meant...
   My friend was obviously flustered. They kept asking about paper and pencil. I couldn't understand why until they explained what was happening. I felt so helpless laying there, miles away. I couldn't do anything but listen and offer my advice. I knew what was going to happen. They were going to be gone even longer... But hopefully that meant they would get the help they needed. At least, that's what I told myself when they hung up the phone to go wake up their mom..
   I couldn't get to sleep, so I sent a text to Michael asking him if he knew what was happening, hoping he could calm me down. Between the phone call and my court appearance looming over me, I was hardly containing myself. He did help, but I think falling back asleep and forgetting about it all together really did the trick. When I woke up, I got up to take a shower and rushed to the courthouse. I should have gotten up earlier. I feel like that would have made things just a tad less stressful...
   Anyways, I met my dad there and we walked into the courtroom. It was surprisingly crowded, at least where we were told to sit. My youth leader and his wife were there. It felt weird. Everything felt weird. I couldn't stand it.  Last time I was in a court room it was not a good deal. The charges didn't go through and the defendant was joking with his attorney before hand... I can't stand seeing attorneys laugh now, but of course, that's all they did today. So besides the fact that just being up there freaked me out and made me think about that, the attorneys were laughing too. It was just fantastic..
   I had no idea what I was doing. I just walked up and handed the man my ticket and he told me what he was going to offer me. I honestly don't even remember what he said. I remember nodding and crying and fighting back nausea while he looked at me like I was some spawn of satan.. Then the judge called everyone up individually to finalize the decisions. I had managed to calm down a bit before I walked up there, but as soon as the attorney started talking the tears were pouring down again.
   I have court supervision for a year. A whole year. And all the fines totalled up to a ridiculous amount that my dad had to pay most of.. I felt like a huge screw up.. This isn't the only time I've felt like a huge waste of money for my parents. They've had to pay for hearing tests, psychiatric evaluations, counseling, countless medications, hospitalization, glasses, gas, food, clothing that I've gotten to fat to wear anyways.. I'm such a waste.
   This was my thought process for nearly two and a half hours after my dad paid the circuit clerk. When we got to the exit my dad stopped me to tell me that I needed to kick myself in the ass, but then move on and learn from it. That's when my stomach dropped. Literally. I couldn't breathe and I felt like I was going to vomit. My dad walked us out to the cars and he followed me home I guess to make sure I was ok. I begged him to let me stay home from school. I didn't want to go in and have this panic attack in front of everyone. It was hard enough being so out of control in front of my own dad... So he let me crash on the couch, sobbing and wheezing like some crazed idiot. I did that for an hour before I finally fell asleep.
   When I woke up, I finally felt like eating so I made myself some chicken noodle soup rice. Yes. You heard me right. I really don't remember feeling anything while I did though. I just remembered hurrying so I could see Michael before I fell apart again. He was asleep. I couldn't wake him up, and almost freaked out because I was so torn between waking him up and letting him sleep. I knew he hadn't gotten a lot.. It was stupid to worry about that though. =\ Eventually I woke him up and curled up next to him. But I couldn't get my breathing right. He could tell something was up. I sent a text to my dad asking if I could just not go to school at all, and he ended up calling me while Michael was in the bathroom.
   My dad kept telling me I was a good kid. Even when I told him I was a waste of his money. Even after I had screwed up so many times. I don't get how he can think that.. Really. But he had me crying over the phone while Michael held my hand.. It was kinda embarrassing. Luckily, he let me skip.
   Michael finally got me to calm down. He's so great like that... Just being with him makes me feel so much better.. I felt bad making him take care of me like that, but I so glad I have an amazing boyfriend that's willing to put up with that and help me through it. I really do love him.
  Well that was my morning. I kinda starting to shut down again, so hopefully I'll get to sleep soon. I have the biggest headache from crying so much today. It's so stupid. All this stress is likely to kill me soon. =\ I don't even know why I worry so much. But I do. Hopefully that'll change eventually.
G'night,
Kim

Kimberly..Your boredom is showing!

    I got really bored the other day. So I found my camera and took pics. Here are a couple. And for those of you that don't see my on a regular basis, this is what I look like with my crazy new glasses >.<

  Yeah. Like I said, I was really bored. I still am. I wanna write a poem now..but my brain has gone numb since last night. =\. And I have court tomorrow.
   I have bad experiences with the court room... His parents were laughing.. He could have gone to jail, he did a horrendous thing, and they were freaking joking with their attourney... Gah. That's all I can ever think about when I go up there. They were laughing. At me. Like I was nothing... I'm gonna go cry for a little bit now. Hopefully I won't have a panic attack.. I hate thinking about this.

G'night.

Test

This week will be a good test.

   One of my best friends left for at least a week, completely out of my range of communication and support basically. So I'm a little worried. But I'm working hard not to worry so much anymore. Worrying doesn't accomplish anything besides ulcers and a sooner death. So hopefully I'll be able to keep that under control and he'll be ok and I'll get a little stronger not relying on having him around to complain to. I just wish I could do more for him. It's already been weird going a day without him bugging me >.< But it'll be ok. Hopefully when he gets back we'll throw a party and everything will be better.

That's all I can ask for.

And this hoody smells nice...

   That helps.

Wanna know something?

   Well... I was going to write a blog about how much it sucks that I can't sleep right now and I have to be up in less than four hours. But... I lost all motivation. I hate feeling tired and useless but not being able to sleep. So lame. Also. I got called prophetic today. I think I'm really psychic. Take that doubters!! haha. I don't know.
Bye.

-Insert Evil Laugh Here-

Muahahahahahahaha
   Now I can see where you are when you view my blog!!! It's genius!!!
   Ok, so it's not really genius. More like my boredom showing through, but I think it's pretty nifty. This is what happens when you give a girl a weekend with no homework and not much to do in a day. She goes insane. Works out even. Speaking of, my back is killing me. Stupid spine. Stretching it out was not a good idea. Anywhoo...Now I'm laying on my bed talking to Michael and fighting the urge to just fall asleep. It'd be nice, but I have more important things I could be doing. Like stuff. Don't ask again >.>
  Haha, I think I am going a little stir crazy. I apologize. Welp... I think I'm either going to play guitar or watch Digimon now (Yeah, that's right. Don't judge.). You all have a fun night and I'll try to have one too!!

Ttyl

Abra Cadaver

   I've recently rediscovered I can't stand being in the same room as a dead person.
   I had to go to a visitation yesterday and I about lost it. The first thing I always do when I enter a funeral home is try to locate the casket so I know where to avoid looking for the rest of the time. This visitation was different. The casket was hidden around a corner so I didn't see it until I was halfway through meeting and consoling the family. When i saw her my stomach dropped. It was terrible..
   The woman was my cousin's grandma. (For all of you thinking, "Wouldn't that make her your grandma too?" I'll say this for the millionth time. No. It's my uncle's mom. Not my aunt's. I wouldn't say my cousin's grandma if she was mine too. That's just stupid....) So she wasn't even really related. I'd only seen her maybe three times in my life. But just knowing that that cold dead body was once alive, in my house even, just bothered me.. I couldn't believe she was dead. She looked asleep. In fact, every time my eyes strayed back to her calm face, I could have sworn it had moved as if she was tossing and turning in her sleep. It was incredibly unnerving.
   I don't know what happens in my head when I see that, but I had to fight back tears and the bile rising in my stomach.  I couldn't wait to get out of there, and I felt terrible for that. I couldn't imagine how her family felt, standing there for two hours when their grandma/mother/sister/friend was laying there dead...
   Maybe it bothers me so much because it forces me to face my own mortality...
   I'm afraid to die...

The Crow & The Butterfly

1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS. SERIOUSLY!!
Yes...I am this bored =\
You guys probably don't even know most of these songs. But this is what I got:

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS ‘ARE YOU OKAY’ YOU SAY?
Bed of Nails

2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Failling Is Not Just For Failures

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Always You (Good Times)

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Island

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Born Like This

6. WHAT’S YOUR MOTTO?
Be Yourself

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
You Could Be Happy

8. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Break Out! Break Out!

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Oh, Infamous City

10. WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Cath...

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Don't Be Afraid

12. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
I Stand Alone

13. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Everything Zen

14. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Gives You Hell

15. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Life Starts Now

16. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Talking Bird

17. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Decisions, Decisions

18. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Spellbound

19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
You Were A House On Fire

20. WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
A Well Respected Man

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Fast Forward To 2012

22. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
The Crow & The Butterfly

Now I'm Going To Ramble On About Mirrors...

   Image is a scary thing. Ask anyone....
   Our self image is simply what we see reflected off the mirror of our environment. Whether that mirror is flawless and true or as screwed up as a funhouse mirror depends on what we allow to distort it: friends, strangers, pictures, words, ourselves. It's so easy to let one little thing put a chip in our mirrors. But once theres a crack it'll continue to web out under the slightest pressure until the image we see is no longer recognizable.
   Can we fix our mirrors? I'm not sure... But I hope so. =\

I'm Embarrassed..

   So I was inspired by Michael to write a blog without using my backspace button. Right now I'm in consumer education and we just finished a covab worksheet so I have a lot of freetime now. I didn't realize how instinctually I reach for tbe backspace. It's ridiculous. I've actually had to  bgo back and retype my mistakes to keep it authentic. I just couldn't not hit the backspace haha.
   After reading michaels blog i realized I'm not really sure what I'm goign to do after I graduate. It's kinda scary to think about. I mean..i've applied to western and I'm sure I'll get in, but as to where I'm staying between now thand then or where I'll be working or if I'll even bee alive. (Ths is so embarrassing. I've noticed I have the dtendancy to start halfway into a word or skip words all together >.<) But hopefully I'll be going to Ireland this summer and I'll get a decent job soon (it really suckes when you don't eat cause you can't afford to but footd. )and I'll be out of my house as soon as i can and it'll all work out great. Hoepfully.
   WQow..i just read through that. Wow...
   In kinda just want to sleep. I've been so tired lately, but my body hasn't let me sleep much when I want to. It seems liek whenever i don't want to fall sasleep I'm passed out like a brick or a cnarcoleptic dog. I think that's wthe word... Anyways, it sucks. Like last night, I was falling asleep on Michael without even realizeing it, but when I cot home I couldn't sleep to save my life. Well, for awhile. Then i fell asleep in the middle of a conversation with him. i always feel back bad** when I do that. Ugh. This is ridiculous. I think I'm going to stop and take a nap before band. T I'm still trying to decide between getting food fo r lucnch with my beggar money (thansks Aaron...) or going to see michalel. I know what I should do, but I also know what I want to do. We'll see.
   This blog tdidn't really make sense. but is was fun. I hope you enjoy seeing how bad I really type. It's preetty horrendos. hahaha. But I'm tired. It's anap time.

Ttyl

I'm smarter than I look. Oh wait...

These new glasses make me look smart apparently.
   Does that mean I didn't seem smart before or I'm not actually smart? I dunno. But I feel weird in glasses. I have issues with my appearance.. And I don't really understand why people think they make others look smart. People wear glasses because their eyesight is failing them, not because it increases or enhances their intelligence. That's stupid. It's just one of the many things I'll never really understand.
   Well that's really the only other thing that's been on my mind today. Other than being super happy. Got a hot date tonight lol. =3 I haven't really stopped smiling since I woke up... It's great. <3

  I'll talk to you later!!!

Fun With Prepositions And Conjunctions.

Couldn't think of a title...

I fell in love once
With a boy too nervous to say much
On a couch (but I was too)
In a dimly lit room
Without meaning to (or completly on purpose)
Instead of watching the Office.

I fell in love once,
Through the world (so where was I before?)
Into the depths of his heart,
Despite my fears (yet they're still all mine)
Concerning letting things go,
Before I knew what was happening.

(And it was terrifying)
And it was perfect.

But i hope you like it anyways. I just got bored haha. It must be my new glasses >.<

Black Friday (bumbumbummmmm)

   So today I woke up at an ungodly hour to finally go do my Christmas shopping. It was ridiculous.  I just about died I was so tired. And people tend to go crazy to save a couple bucks. Holy crap. Anyways, I still really haven't slept much since four. But eh. Being tired lets me open up my mind.
  While I was on the subject of what other people wanted for Christmas, I thought about what I really want. I'm not sure I want anything. I'd rather people not spend money on me for things I'm not even sure I want. But my mom finally bugged me today about what I really wanted, so I thought about it and I made up my imaginary wish list. This is a list of things I wouldn't mind having, but don't really want anyone to get me. Seriously. People are just curious.

Here's my imaginary wish list:

Nikon Coolpix L22

A New Phone

A Plane Ticket To Dublin, Ireland

Two Passes to Cornerstone11

Bottle of Pink Warm and Cozy Body Spray

Bottle of Very Sexy Body Lotion

A Promise Ring

A Hearing Aid

A Dozen Red Roses

Reservations at Abigail's Hostel

That One Thing
(cough thanks to suggestions from max and aaron cough)

A Cheap Camcorder

A Webcam

A Gas Card

A 4G Card

(or whatever it is that gives you Internet everywhere)

Netflix

A Day at the Spa

A Trip to the Chiropractor

Sominex

You

   That's in no real order. Or even real. Just...what my mind rattled off. But really, I'd be happy just being with family and friends and that special someone, seeing everyone happy. That'd make me happy. But I thought some of you might enjoy this. There ya go. I'm gonna take a nap now.

Night.

Fireplaces are the best

Guess who made 500 posts??? Yay me!!

   So I'm sitting on my basement floor, watching Everybody Loves Raymond. The glow from the Christmas tree and the fireplace is beautiful. It's doing a good job of keeping my mind off things. I'm trying real hard to just look forward to tomorrow. I wish I had something entertaining to do till then. Or that Michael was over here. Or that my dad wasn't such a jerk and would have let me go to Amy's... ugh.

   Anyways... Tomorrow's Thanksgiving. I can't believe it. November went by so fast. I completely failed at NaNoWriMo. But that's alright...I'll do better next time. Right? Of course.

   Hmm...I feel like I had more to say. Not sure now. I guess I'll just add an update if I remember. I have all night. For now I need to go take a shower and read though, so I'll talk to you guys later!

 Ttyl

 <3

Can I leave now?

I think I need to go on a road trip.
Or something...
Because this little town,
These little people,
Are too much for my little heart.
I'm like a goldfish
And I'm outgrowing my bowl.
Maybe in more ways than one.
But I think a break would do me good.
A change of scenery,
Like to the depths of your eyes
Where the ocean of your love
Pours over me
I'm drowning.
Or maybe someplace quite
Where not even my own thoughts can be heard.
I think that sounds nice...


This isn't really a poem. I just like line breaks. These are just thoughts...

I think....I'm gonna die now.

...I don't know what I think about drinking. At all.
   It' weird. Logically, I don't have a problem with these guys drinking. I know they won't be stupid. I know they won't go overboard. So why is it every time they talk about it or I think about it, my stomach knots up and I go on the verge of a panic attack? It's stupid. I don't know what to do. =\ I guess past experience has left me terrified...
   So that's what I'm dealing with right now on top of the fact that I have heartburn, my body is starting to ache again, I'm exhausted, and I thought I died this morning.  That was interesting. I think our house got hit with lightning. All I know is that the flash and the boom came at the same time, I was lifted a good inch or two off my bed, and a plaque came flying off my wall. Pretty terrifying thing to wake up to. Especially considering I'd only gotten 4 or 5 hours of sleep.
   I complain a lot. I should probably change that...

I can't wait for lunch. I need to get out of here.

I needed a laugh

    In an attempt to make myself feel better I looked up some literal'd trailers which I just learned about this week. I feel like I should share these with you, in case you've never heard of them. Here's one of my favorites.



   Yeah, this guy does a pretty awesome job. The Harry Potter one is pretty great too. Sooo, I don't know what's wrong with me, but my arm has been killing me and then all of my other joints are bitching at the same time. It kept me up till 5 last night...Freaking ridiculous. Watching the dogs was nice though. I love staying at my aunts house. It gives me some time to myself to just relax. I needed that. Tonight my mom gave me a muscle relaxer and anti-inflammatory thing. We'll see how that goes.
   I wish I could skip school the next two days. It seems like a big waste of time to go two days and get the rest of the week off. The juniors won't even be in class anyways. Meh...

If any of you guys have some more stuff that'd put me in a better mood that'd be much appreciated.

Thanks.

Moldy Belly!

First off, I'm less than fifty page views away from 500.
Pretty freaking sweet.
Second, I think everyone should read the blog
Hyperbole and a Half.
It's amazing. Enough said!

   So, I think my brain has been melted to mush. I can't focus, I can't remember anything, and I'm constantly stumbling over my words. My mind is completely occupied. It's crazyyy. I'm so tired. Haha, wow. That came out of nowhere. See what I mean? I feel like this will mostly be rambling. Let's go with it. Right now is a good time to get into my subconscious without even trying!!
   I'm sitting in Consumer Ed right now, pretending to take notes. I hate this class. It's all pretty much common sense. Have you ever looked up how much money you have to put in as a minimum to get a Certificate of Deposit? It's freaking ridiculous for how little interest the banks will pay you.

   I'm getting glasses soon. I think I look stupid in glasses. But I need them. I have trouble focusing and I have some srs light sensitivity. Like right now, all of these letters are mushing together, but that could also be because I'm really tired. I can hardly keep my eyes open.

   These paragraphs are really short. Does that mean I have a short attention span? Probably. I went on a date with Michael last night. It was pretty great. We ate at Jimmy John's and went to see Due Date. Pretty sweet. Robert Downey Jr. is sooooo cool haha. And Zach Galifianakis is pretty dang funny. And every moment I'm with Michael is great. So last night was great. That's a valid argument. Not a fallacy.
   That's what we've been talking about in AP English. Arguments and fallacies. Tu Quoque is such a funny word >.&lt; Ohohoh, and we've been making pie in Culinary!! I love pie. We made pecan pie in my kitchen. Mrs. Cassidy said it was the best pie of that day!!! Ohhhh yeah. And Monday I'm making a lattice cherry pie. =3. It'll be yummy.

   I feel like I'm going to pass out. Or have a seizure. My brain is all fuzzy. I wonder why. It probably isn't good >.&lt; . I'm going to sleep on the way to Peoria tonight. We're going shopping, I don't know what for, but I'm going to look at what I'll be buying next Friday!! I can't believe Thanksgiving is next week. It came so fast. That means Christmas is close. And then my birthday. And then Ireland, which I'm not so sure I'll be able to go to now... I got another ticket.
  I think this police man hates me. I think it's stupid that someone who got in a hit and run will get to keep their license but I may lose mine just for looking at my phone in a school zone. It's retarded as hell. So now I need to go get court supervision.
  My budget has looked like this:

• 300 for my passport and Amy's.
• 120 for my ticket for running a stop sign.
• Probably 60 in the past two months on gas and stuff.

   That's at least $480... And I need like, $1500 for Ireland. I have less than 229 days to get all that. That's like... $50 a week, and I don't have a job. Dear Neptune...

-Insert brief freak out-

   Ok, enough of that. Uh... I feel like I've rambled enough. Morgan is playing Tetris. That looks fun. And I've been singing the theme song all day. I think I'll play it now.

TTYL

Stupid Winter

Wow, I'm only 80 views away now. You guys are awesome!

  

   So, I've decided that I need a sunlight lamp - bad. This decreased amount of sunlight is driving me crazy. I can't seem to get enough sleep, and then when I need to sleep, my insomnia keeps me up or wakes me up in the middle of the night. It's ridiculous. I can usually manage my depressive thoughts and shiz when the sun is shining, but as soon as it sets I have to consciously remind myself that every thing's ok. Now I have to do that for an extra four hours. It's insane. =\ It's easier when I'm with people though. They're always a good distraction.

   So...I think I'm going to go outside while there's still some light and play my guitar. I would do my English assignment, but it'd put me to sleep. Actually, sleep sounds nice. I'm gonna take a nap. See ya.

99 Truths cause I can't sleep.

  So...I've been having some crazy insomnia. So here's me wasting time. =3

WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. Last beverage: Mt. Dew Voltage
2. Last phone call: ...According to my phone it was Aaron but I don't even remember talking to him haha
3. Last text message: Michael &lt;3
4. Last song you listened to: Failing Is Not Just For Failures - Listener
5. Last time you cried: Uh..Last night. I was freaking out over nothing. It was stupid.


HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice: Yeah..
7. Been cheated on: At least once, yeah..
8. Kissed someone and regretted it: Oh yes.
9. Lost someone special: I thought so.
10. Been depressed: Dur.
11. Been drunk and threw up: Nope


LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. Blue
13. Red
14. Black


THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2010)

15. Made a new friend?: Yeah
16. Fallen out of love?: No
17. Laughed until you cried?: I don't think I've ever done that lol
18. Met someone who changed you?: Yeah.
19. Found out who your true friends were?: I learned that awhile ago.
20. Found out someone was talking about you?: ...Probably
21. Kissed anyone on your FB (facebook) friend list ?: Yeah



GENERAL:

22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life: Nearly all of them.
24. Do you have any pets: Two dogs and two cats
25. Do you want to change your name? I've thought about it but I don't think I would. I've grown attached.
26. What did you do for your last birthday: I honestly don't remember...
27. What time did you wake up today: I think 7:30
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Either playing Left 4 Dead 2 or watching Semi-Pro
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: The next time I see him
30. Last time you saw your Mother: Like four hours ago.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I'd say not being depressed. But if I changed anything really, I wouldn't be me...
32. What are you listening to right now: Futurama lol
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yeah, I think so.
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: My general dislike of myself.
35. Most visited web page: Probably Facebook.
37. Nicknames: Kim, Kimbo, Kimba, Kimothy, Kimbro, and all my adorable pet names &lt;3
38. Relationship Status: Taken, in love, and loved.
39. Number of relationships: Currently? One. Ever? Too many.
40. He or She? He??
41. Elementary? Lincoln
42. Middle School? Edison
43. High School? Macomb High School.
44. Hair Color? I'm naturally a brunette, but right now it's reddish brownish (purplish?) with a shadow.
45. Long or short? Almost long
46. Height: 5'7'' ish
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: I wouldn't call it a crush.
48: What do you like about yourself?: That I care. Seriously.
49. Piercings?: Two in each ear, and an industrial.
50. Tattoos?: I wish.
51. Righty or lefty?: Righty.


FIRSTS:

52. First surgery: Does getting my head stitched count? lol
53. First piercing: Ears.
54. First best friend: Hm... Not sure.
55. First sport you joined: Soccer. Either soccer or basketball. I'm not sure which came first.
56. First pair of trainers: What?
57. First bf/gf: ...I think it may have been Matt Chenoweth hahaha. But I don't remember.
58. First teacher: Mrs. Moon


RIGHT NOW:

59. Eating: I'm trying not to think about the fact that I'm hungry right now. Thank you >.>
60. Drinking: My Voltage.
61. I'm about to: Stay here on my couch till sleep is gracious enough to knock me out.
62. Listening to: Still Futurama.
63. Waiting for: A reply
64. Want kids?: I think. I'm kinda afraid I'll be a bad mother or they'll face the same issues as me..
65. Get Married?: Of course.
66. Career? I'd love to be a famous author


WHICH IS BETTER :

67. Lips or eyes?: Both. You'd look silly if you only had one or the other!
68. Hugs or kisses: Again, they're both fantastic.
69. Shorter or taller: It shouldn't matter.
70. Older or Younger: Older.
71. Romantic or spontaneous: A pleasant mix of both.
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: Stomach I think... Though both are cool.
73. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive?
74. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship.
75. Straight forwards or shy: Straight forward. Though shy is cute &lt;3


HAVE YOU EVER :

76. Kissed a stranger: No sir.
77. Drank hard liquor: Not much.
78. Lost glasses/contacts: Don't think so.
79. Sex on first date: Nope.
80. Broken someone's heart: I doubt it.
81. Had your own heart broken: Yeah..
83. Turned someone down: Yeah
84. Cried when someone died: Yeah. Bawled.
85. Fallen for a friend: Yeah...


DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself: Sometimes
87. Miracles: Yeah
88. Love at first sight: Sure
89. Heaven: I think..
90. Santa Claus: Not at all.
91. Kiss on the first date: Sometimes.
92. Angels: Yeah.


ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

93. Had more than one bf/gf?: At a time? I'm not sure...
94. Is there one person you want to be with right now? More than anything.
95. Did you sing today? Yeah.
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: Yeah... =\
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go? I don't know if I would..
98. If you could pick a day in the last year and re-live it which and why? I have no clue.
99. Are you afraid of falling in love? Afraid? Yes. Willing to anyways? Of course.

Thanks...

   I just noticed I'm only 104 page views away from having 500 views. That's pretty cool. I remember two month ago when I didn't think anyone would read this. I even gave up for awhile >.<. Thanks to those of you that have stuck with me.


   So today is our church's Thanksgiving Dinner. Normally I wouldn't devote a post to something like that, but I realized I haven't posted in a while and I want to say what I'm thankful for.
   I'm thankful for my friends. They've stuck by me through so much. I can be a psychotic mess sometimes and it takes a lot to tough through that. Even for me. So them still being there despite the fact that i can turn into a crazy bitch from hell speaks volumes. I couldn't ask for better people in my life.
   I'm thankful for Michael.  He's without a doubt the sweetest guy I met. I'm so lucky to have him. He makes me realize how special and beautiful I am, especially when I can't see it myself. He genuinely cares about me, and that's all I could ever ask of anyone. I love him so much and I'm glad I'm his.
   I'm thankful for my family. I don't think about this one much, but some recent events have made me realize just how special they really are. I forget just how uncommon it is to have parents that are still in their first marriage. I forget that not all parents tell you you're beautiful, smart, or even just say I love you. It's hard to appreciate that until you realize what some other people have to put up with...
   I'm also thankful for my life.  I don't admit it often, but thinking about it now, I really am. I've attempted suicide at least five times. I'm so glad none of those retarded attempts worked. I couldn't imagine missing out on everything that's happened in my life since then. Sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but Michael told me something once that really rang true, "There aren't enough days in your life to have bad ones." I realize that no matter what happens, I'm always worth it, and everything will work itself out in the long run.


   So what are you really thankful for? Think about it...

All these highs make the lows lower...

It's weird.
I'm happy as ever.
And yet, when I'm not with him
I feel empty.
I need a distraction. =\

I've been listening to a lot of music at school, trying not to sleep so I can catch up. But it's hard. All I want to do is sleep and dream or go outside or play my guitar or write or be with someone. Anything but sit here and waste my day. Yet I know I need to do this. I need to get through it so I can go to college and make something out of myself. I need to stay focused instead of daydreaming all the time. I'm currently 15596 words behind on my novel. It's kinda sad. I don't know what happened.
Blah..

I'm gonna go walk the halls and clear my mind now.
I can't wait till Friday.
I'll catch up and go to the court house to get my passport.
It'll be good.
Well, talk to you later.

You're nothing short of my everything

   I've been pretty grumpy this morning. If I was like that to any of you reading now, I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong. I just woke up annoyed. I have to keep reminding myself that there aren't enough days to have bad ones, so I need to turn this around. I think it's working.
   It may have to do with the fact that I was told last night that I couldn't write my novel just after my Microsoft Word stopped working. I mean, the person was right, I really have no hope of finishing, but I like keeping myself in delusion >.<. I stayed up for a long time just trying to decide what to do next. I never did decide. I should probably e-mail my story to myself so I can work on it in this class.That'd probably help haha.
   Tomorrow is my first senior skip day. It's not much of a skip day considering I have to show up for the first 3 hours of school. But then I can go back home and sleep and write and play my guitar. It'll be lovely. My fingers actually hurt pretty bad from playing bass and guitar for 3 hours yesterday. It's pretty great <3.
   Yeah...I don't have much to say today. I think I'm going to go back to sleeping in class until wind symphony.

   Lates dawg.

hahahaha

This is my love of math showing through. Oh god.

   Well, I logged onto my NaNoWriMo account and this is what I found...

Stats

Today's Stats
Words Written Today 860
Words Until Goal is Met 807
Current Word Count 860
Words Required Today 1667
Current Trend 3 days behind schedule
Word Goal to Date 5000

Total Progress
Total Words Written 860
Words per Day to Finish on Time 1820
Total Words Remaining 49140
Current Day 3
Average Words per Day 287
Days Remaining 27

History
Days Behind Schedule 3
Days Ahead of Schedule 0
 
   This is depressing and extremely intimidating. I need to get on schedule. I just haven't been making time for myself. I've been trying to catch up with homework and hanging out with Michael and sleeping. I should stop sleeping haha.  Or not. >.<
   Yesterday got a lot better during lunch. A friend of mine brought Cheddar cheese curds and if you don't know already, I love cheese... So so much. It made me feel tons better. And we had a study hall in band, and played hangman in discrete math, and I kicked ass in net ball in PE. Made everything a little better. And Michael came to my place for dinner. Being with him always makes life better.  True story.
   Well...today is the first day of Wind Symphony for me. And I'm going to dinner with my loverly tonight. And we're starting up worship band practice tonight. Today should be a good day. I'm excited. But not too excited. Last time, that didn't turn out too well haha. Well, here we go.
 Hopefully I can get 2000 words added to my novel!

It's Kind Of A Funny Story

Yes, I realized I just posted. But I like this book. I want to share it. Bear with me.

It's so hard to talk when you want to
kill yourself.
That's above and beyond everything else,
and it's not a mental complaint -- it's a physical thing
like it's physically hard to open your mouth
and make the words come out.
They don't come out smooth
and in conjunction with your brain
the way normal people's words do;
they come out in chunks
as if from a crushed-ice dispenser;
you stumble on them
as they gather behind your lower lip.
So you just keep quiet.


This is the first paragraph. I'm in love.
I feel you.

I don't think it's the blood sugar, baby..

   I got sick this morning. I woke up fine, excited actually. I was going to get things done, Michael was going to come watch me cook, and all felt right with the world. None of that happened. Instead, while we were rearranging the kitchens in my culinary class, I got incredibly hot and had to run to the bathroom to avoid spewing all over the clean counter tops..
   I sent a text to my mom telling her what happened. She thinks my blood sugar's low or my new birth-control crap is upsetting my stomach. I don't know what it is. But she brought me a snickers and special k bar anyways =\. I still feel gross..
   To add to that, my friend decided to get pissed at me because his dad's an ass. Apparently I don't care enough about him to deserve knowing what goes on in his life, despite the fact that I bend over backwards to make him happy on a regular basis. Not only did he say I didn't deserve to know what was going on, he called me stupid... I don't need that right now. Not at all.
   So I've said maybe 10 words in the past hour. I think I'm not going to talk for the rest of the day if I can help it. Unless it's to Amy or Michael. Or he apologizes, which one: won't happen and two: will likely not make me feel any better anyways, so it probably won't work.
   I'm sorry I'm being a complainy bitch... I didn't get any sleep, only got 560 words for my novel, and I feel stupid, ugly, and inadequate.. I just really need a hug right now. And I needed to get this off my chest. Sorry to anyone that reads this. I just needed to unload.

Here's to silence....

NaNoWriMo

Wow...I'm so sorry guys!

   Life has been pretty crazy lately. My blog has been the last thing on my mind lately, and that's not cool. So I'm going to try and keep you guys more updated lol. Not that many people read this and are all that interested.
   But anyways, my recent activities have included:

• Holding a garage sale with my friend to raise money to go to Ireland
• Finding the most amazing guy in the world and being able to call him mine. <3
• Having Strep Throat and missing chair placement auditions and a huge AP English test as a result..
• Signing up for and starting NaNoWriMo
• Trying to help my best friend who recently got kicked out of his house (he's only seventeen).
• Lots of stress
• Even more happiness and love and joyness lol
• A haunted corn maze
• Scaring the shit out of little kids and making at least six of them cry. I was helping with a haunted house haha
• Paranormal Activity 2
• Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog <3 <3 <3
• Naps with Michael
• Two cook outs
• Shopping with no money
• Being strangled by a puppy who hates laughter and all things joyful lol

   Despite some stress and shtuff, my life has been going pretty well. Exceptionally well actually. I'm not sure I could be much happier =3. Thanks to certain peoples <3<3

   Anyways, enough mushy gushy stuff. Down to business! For those of you who don't know what NaNoWriMo is, it stands for National Novel Writing Month, which started today. People all around the world are writing short fiction novels (the site doesn't like calling it a novella. too stuck up or something...lol) with 50,000 words, all in 30 days. It's exciting. I have mine all planned out and I'm hoping I have the will power to see it through. It's going to be tough considering I have a bunch of English homework and when I'm not doing that (ok, even when I'm doing that) all I want to do is be with Michael >.< Sacrifices will have to be made haha. Or not. We'll see. Anyways, I'm going to go start typing my novel now! Wish me lucky luck luck!!!!
   As an afterthought I was going to give you the link to the NaNoWriMo site, but they're servers are crashing because of all of the traffic they're getting right now haha. So I'll link you to it some other time!

Edit: I finally got it haha. Here it is. Hope it works. NaNoWriMo.

I have my love.--I have my doubts.

Oh wow. I am a sorry excuse for a blogger >.<

I'm sorry I've kinda let any of you that read this down. It's kinda sad that I kept up with this better when I was working. Well, now I'm unemployed. But, it's opened up some new windows. Like, now I've learned to be very patient. No one will call back after I've sent them an application. Also, I've learned that snails mate for an entire 24 hours before any penetration occurs lol. And guys are awkward when they live together, and I'm awkward around guys I like and around people that like me. No, they're not all guys, which makes it even more awkward, but hey. A person is a person... And I may be a dreamer..

Wow, I'm so hyper! Sorry lol. Uhm...well thats all I wanted to say! Just wanted to let you all know I'm still alive! And I love Mewithoutyou. And I'm going on a date tomorrow with this silly guy. And I get to carve my first pumpkin of the year tomorrow. Anyways, that is all! Goodnight world!!!

You're lucky..

I was in love once.
But not like you,
At least, I don't think so.
Or maybe he didn't love me like she does.
Not even the seas can part you
and there I was in the same room,
worlds away.
And worlds away I stay
side by side.
And you're closer to her than I'll ever be
To anyone.
It makes me jealous,
but not in the way you think.
Just to know that you can feel love
know love
be loved
even across the world
and all I'll ever have is lies.
You're lucky.
Don't forget it.


  Sorry I've been super busy lately. Hopefully now with work over and band almost over I'll be able to post more. This was just something I thought about this afternoon. Not polished up or anything, but here you go.

Sorrrrryyyy.

   I wasn't feeling very good last night, so I'm making up for that. Here's yesterday's and today's posts.

Day 11
What's in your makeup bag?

   I don't really have a makeup bag, but I have a jumble of makeup in a pile. It consists of a cheap stick of black eyeliner, a big case of like, 50 colors of eye shadow, Mirabella coverup, and blush. And I only wear it every once and a while. Depends on when I wake up, how I feel, or where I'm going. But when I do wear it, I'm gorgeous. lol.


Day 12
A photograph of where you live..

Uh...I'll update this one when I have one >.< lol

Day 10 - Food?

Day 10
A photo of your favorite place to eat..

   Well, I really don't like to eat. So I don't have a fovorite place. I guess wherever I have good food and feel like I want to eat. Meh...
   Sorry, I feel sick. I don't feel like writing this. I don't feel like staying up and finishing this AP English. I don't feel like waking up tomorrow. Eh. We'll see...

Day 9 - I'm pretty simple. Kinda.

Day 9
A photo of the item you last purchased.

   Well, technically, the last thing I bought was a No Fear from the gas station. There was no way I was going to make it through the night without it. I'm still amazed I'm awake. Anyways. Here's that.

   Ok, so I didn't take that picture. But that is technically the last thing I bought.  However, if you want to go for like, a major purchase or something, here it is.

   It's a Beating Heart Pillow. I'm terrible at explaining what it is, so here's what Thinkgeek says. (That's where I bought it from.)

   We're no stranger to stress here at the ThinkGeek office. We toil night and day tortuously sorting through shiny new toys and electronics while we down loads of caffeinated beverages and try to select only the choicest gadget fruits to satisfy your discerning palette. Yep... it's a tough job but we have these handy Stress Relief Pillows to help out. Clutch them to your chest and they vibrate with a special rhythmic heart beat to calm your nerves. We were skeptical at first, but found that they really do de-stress even the jaded amongst us.
   The amazing thing about My Beating Heart is that every time you turn it on, an entirely unique heartbeat rhythm is created. In fact, every rhythm itself gradually changes and subtly dances, algorithmically modeling the heartbeat in a deep meditative state. This isn't a pre-recorded rhythm and this isn't a "heartbeat sound." This is a physical heartbeat that realistically changes over time.
   Our hearts naturally begin to dance and sync with the hearts of other we hold or hug. This is a phenomenon we have observed for ages. Hugging the Beating Heart a few minutes allows the calm and dreamy beat to relax the body, ease the mind, and cajoles the spirit.

   I had actually bought this weeks ago, but Paypal fucked it up, so I bought it again this afternoon. I figure I could use it after a night like last night. One hour of sleep. Actually, I've only got 3 hours of sleep in the past 24 hours. I'm exhausted. Hopefully falling asleep will be easier with that. It should be coming in a couple days. Well, off to my AP English. Night..

Day 8 - Bad mood...

Day 8
A song to match your mood...



   My heart aches. I miss him. I hate him. I love him... It all hurts too much. He cares, yet he's probably the person who's hurt me the most through my entire 17 years.. He's hurt me and he's saved me. I get my hopes up and think he loves me too, but I know better. And I know it'll never work. And I know he hates me. But I love him. God I love him so much...
   I'm not having a good night. I'm worried my friend is going to either end up a mess or kill himself, I'm getting into one of my moods again and I'm not treating myself well, my other friends are going through too much and I'm too stupid to not let it get to me too...
  Haha...I hate crying... I hope I get to bed soon. =\
  Night...

Day 7 - One word: Ireland

Day 7
Your dream wedding.

   Ireland! In Ireland!!! With all my besties in the beautiful Irish contryside marrying the perfect man. Enough said. <3

Ps. The honeymoon would also be in Ireland.

Day 6 - I'm pretty sure I love animals.

Day 6

A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet...

   Alright, I figured I should pick some wild animals that I'd never get to keep so I narrowed it down to two different animals. Numero Uno, the Grey Wolf

   They're positively my favorite animal. They're so beautiful and intelligent. I also have a gift with dogs, so I figure I'd do pretty darn good with their cousin. I love wolves...

  The second one is the fox, but I found two. The first one is just my favorite kind of fox, the Red Fox

   So adorable. They remind me of Fox and the Hound. Very cute movie. but, while I was looking up foxes, I found that some people do actually keep them as pets. In fact, one species if often bred as pets. Those are the Fennec Foxes

  They're so tiny compared to their big ears. At first I was like, wtf o.O but they grew on me. I'd love to have one. I love animals <3. Well, it's been a long day. Hope you enjoyed the cute animals. Night 

Day 5- To The Past

Day 5
A photo of you from two years ago...

   These pictures are from about a year and nine months ago, because that's as far back as my camera had on it. So, this is a year and nine months and about fifty pounds ago...

   I wasn't very smart back then...I mean, I was intelligent, but I'm pretty sure this was when I was making myself sick to look "pretty". Admittedly, I was happier with myself then than I am now.. But I'm trying not to fall back into that horror story. Also, I miss my super long hair. It's almost back! Ugh. I'm so tired. I'm going to get to reading the rest of 1984 now. Goodnight..



Day 4- My Goofball Friends

Day 4
Your favorite photograph of your best friend...

   First off, I'm changing this to friendS. Second of all, it's the autumnal equinox. Happy Autumn! If you haven't seen the moon, go out and look at is. Simply goreous.
   So I may be cheating, but I'm addicted to facebook, and my three closest (best) friends use it, so I found my favorite pictures of them from there. Here's my first one. They're not in any order, so hush everyone. I love you all soooo so much.

Aaron Furr
My Aarnon.

   He doesn't really like getting his picture taken. Or the sun lol. He's been my bestie for like forever, despite the fact that we went out for a year and a half and or relationship is super complicated. Maybe I'll get into that whole deal someday, but for now all you need to know that we really care about each other, and despite each other's bull crap, we're there for each other. He's a sarcastic, teenage boy with an extremely intelligent mind and a complicated past. Most people don't realize those last two things. I wish they did. He's something special. Seriously.

NEXT!

Alyssa Lucas
My super gangster.

   Yeah, I stole one of her senior pictures >.< haha. She just looked especially gangster though. We met each other through church. We were the only girls in our age group, so we quickly became friends. We've had a couple rough patches in our friendship, but I still consider one of my besties. She's got a crazy quirky attitude but is still really good about pulling herself down to earth when she needs to (or I need her to) and I really appreciate that about her. And she's super pretty. And a gangster. Everyone be jealous!

LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST....

Amy Lafferty
My Ammers.

   My beautiful bestie/wifey lol.  I'm pretty sure we've been best friends the longest as long as you don't count the couple "breaks" we've had. They've all been my fault anyways. Me and my neurotic tendancies. Anyways, she's a completely goofball, but one of the most loving people I've ever met. She's forgiven me for things I don't think I can even forgive myself for. I love her to death. We're getting married as soon as she dumps her boyfriend haha.

   I love these guys so much. They've stuck with me through so much and that's more than I could ever ask of anyone. This isn't to say that there aren't others out there that I don't love and care about. These are just the few that I consider my closest friends, the ones I can tell anyone too. And they're all pretty darn sexy =P. lol. Anyways. They should all feel special they're on here. I feel special that they're willing to be my friends! YEAH! haha. Goodnight.

Day 3 - My Perfect First Date

Day 3 
Your idea of the perfect first date...

   I'm not sure I'd want a first date to be perfect. To me that would just be a sign that something terrible is bound to happen later. Besides, quirky, embarrassing moments are the staple of a healthy relationship. Might as well start out on the right foot.
  I'd want a first date to be somewhere public though. Not crowded and impersonal, but where others are close by. Safety issue.. Something like a picnic in a park or dinner at a nice small town restaurant would be nice. We'd have just enough awkward silences to be sure we didn't share everything about ourselves on the first date. The mystery would keep me coming back. I'd be fine with holding hands. Maybe a kiss on the cheek if I already knew them. But I would want things to go slow. I've had too slow and too fast. I'm not sure where the median is, but I'll know it when I get there.
  I haven't been on many real dates, so this one is tough for me... I guess as long as the guy genuinely cared about me, it'd be perfect. If someone could show me what love really is, I'd be happy.

   Sorry if this didn't make any sense. it's really late and I'm exhausted. Just got done with this...

  For Ap English with an accompanying page. And I scrubbed the nasty ass floors at Dairy Queen. My knees are killing me and I'm afraid to let my hands anywhere near my face, even after a half an hour shower. Ugh. Wish I had my camera to show you how disgusting it was. Anyways, I'm gonna go pass out now. Pray I can function tomorrow. Night.

Day 2 – Mmmm Food.

Day 2 
A photo of something you ate today...

  I didn't have breakfast today, but...

    This was my lunch! For those of you who don't know me, I'm completely addicted to energy drinks. My two all time favorite are No Fear and Amp Lightning. They're pretty much the best things ever. Generally during my lunch period I'll go home and get something I may have forgotten or use the restroom or take some medicine etc. then head to the gas station for my daily fix. Today was different. I neglected to turn in my money for senior shirts or remind my mother to leave me a check this morning, so I had to hunt her down all lunch period.
   She's usually at work during my lunch, so I drove into town. I didn't see her car anywhere, so I called her. Of course, she didn't answer her phone, so I drove home thinking maybe she took an early lunch but when I got there she was nowhere to be found. As a last resort I drove back to her work to ask the others where she was. Turns out she was there the whole time...go figure. But I finally found her and got my check with ten minutes to spare. Off to the gas station we go! I usually don't get food during lunch, but I was really hungry, hence the Combos. They were pretty darn tasty... And that was my lunch.

   This afternoon after another monotonous day of school, I confronted my parents about applying at the Bushnell Dairy Queen. When I got the ok, I drove 25 minutes to the place of possible future employment. Here's hoping they call back xx. When I got back, I was hungry again (go figure haha) so I ate this...

   A Klondike Oreo. Delicious.

   In case you haven't noticed, I don't have a very healthy diet. It doesn't help that the other day I went back through old pictures and was reminded of how much weight I've gained in the past year. Needless to say I'm not much in the eating mood lately... I could throw you the same excuse I give everyone; during the week I spent in the hospital I was forced to eat five times a day and when I came home, I kept eating and eating... But I'm pretty sure that's all that is: an excuse. Either way, today is my first day of getting back to "better". It'll be tough, but I won't be as stupid about it as I was last time.

  Anyways, after my snack and a couple minutes lounging around with my computer, I had drum line sectionals. It went pretty well. Our freshman tenor is finally starting to get it and everyone else is slowly getting better. We did get chewed out for our rehearsal etiquette. I certainly didn't help any. I was ready to leave.. I'll be sure to make a conscious effort to stay professional next time though.

  After that, a brief party with another present of which I will not tell you about, again >.> haha. And now I'm home, sipping on my 30 oz bottle of water and reading 1984 for Ap English. It's pretty relaxing. Just what I need after a long day. Hopefully tonight will stay quiet and stress-free. Goodnight everyone.

30 Days of Night Time Blogging.

  A friend's blog recently inspired me to start a thirty day challenge, so I think I'm going to start today. Here's the list of blogs I'll be doing for the next thirty days.

Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.
Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.
Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
Day 8 – A song to match your mood.
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of youself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days

  So here it goes.

Day 1
A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was...

  Today was interesting. My mom woke me up at 9:20 when I was supposed to be up and at church by 9. So I slept in and planned to go to church at 10. Didn't wake up till 12 >.<.  But I needed that after the long day yesterday. I have the tendency to sleep in/sleep a lot. It's kinda sad sometimes. I just won't get out of bed, but it's been getting better. I think.
  I worked on getting caught up on my AP English homework today between waking up and going to work. We've had four journals to write and two assignments to finish and I think I've finally got them all done. I'm not quite up to speed with our reading though. We're reading 1984 by George Orwell. It's a pretty fantastic book. I don't know why I haven't been reading more of it. I guess I've been busy. I feel like saying that though is lying...
  Anyways, I was supposed to head into work at 5. In case you can't tell or don't already know, I work at Dairy Queen, but more on that in a moment. While I was driving in to work, I got a message from my youth pastor to be at church, so I called and told my co-workers I'd be a bit late (Which was fine with them. It's not like they could afford to fire me anyways. Ha). When I got to the church, we had a meeting about starting up the worship team again.
  This was some extremely exciting news for me. I miss being a part of something fun and worthwile. It's been a long time since I've played for the band. Our old worship leader just recently had a kid, so he's out of the picture for awhile. Even before the baby, he always seemed to busy to put things together... Now we have a new worship leader, the super nice, super cute, John Barry. I'm looking forward to it. Especially now that work and band will be winding down and I'll actually have time to go to youth group.
  As soon as the meeting was over I drove to work. I worked from 5:30 to 11:15 with Jill (dunno her last name >.<) and Krisyn Moore, my friend since pre-school. It went by pretty smooth despite the fact Jill was in the back texting every ten minutes. Ugh. I love her and all, but seriously, she could have waited. Oh well. It was still a good night. And I got a tip and a present. But I won't tell you what it waasssss. Haha. =P
  Now I'm chilling out on the couch, watching King of the Hill and eating a slice of left over pizza. I can't wait to fall asleep. Hooray for mild insomnia. Anyways, I'm really excited to keep this 30 Day Challenge going. It'll be fun. And hopefully it'll keep me busy and from worrying about everything else. Goodnight!