I dislike...
General Ignorance.
People that think a homosexual of the same sex is going to rape you because they can't control themselves like straight people can.
Girls that say all guys are ass holes or guys that say all girls are bitches. We all suck. Gender has nothing to do with it.
Two faced jerks.
Unnecessary drama.
And I'm sure there are a lot of other things. But there's that..
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Self Image is a "Witch"
Ok, yes, I've been not-posting for a long time.
It's kinda sad.
But I'm here to rectify that! Hooray! haha
Anyways, I'm going to start making a photo blog. Or a photo diary of sorts I suppose. I can't start at this very moment because I left my camera at home, but I'm getting it during lunch and I'm gonna take a shit load of pix. Yeah, that's right, pix. I've been wanting to do this for a long time but I've been putting it off till today. I tend to do that a lot. Ahwell.
Moving on, last night I had a minor (coughmajorcough) freak out thanks to the major inferiority complex instilled in me since childhood. I've had weight issues my entire life pretty much. Not saying I've been fat my entire life (although I have), but I've never dealt with my weight well.
When I was younger, I was treated differently. I was always laughed at from afar, friends were few and hard to find, and boys didn't look at me like they did the other girls. I didn't realize it back then, but the emotional damage was slowly tearing at my brain like a bunch of maggots in a dead raccoon. It's pretty obvious now though. The insecurities built up like a brick wall around my emotion and I've never been good at tearing those down.
In high school (or maybe it started in junior high), I finally quit just letting myself be that fat kid that everyone pretended to be nice to because I was nice to them. I fell into the dieting phase early, but that didn't work fast enough for me. I'd get impatient and give up, gaining all the weight back that I'd struggled to lose. But then, something happened. I don't know where I'd heard of it, but the thought of being able to throw up anything I'd been weak-willed enough to eat seemed like the perfect escape from this horrible body I'd let myself grow into. So I'd try to starve myself, and when I got weak and ate too much, I'd just get sick and it'd all be ok. Sadly enough, it worked. I lost a lot of weight.
Looking back, I was really pretty then. I should have been happy with myself and stayed where I was, but it was never good enough, never skinny enough. The added pressure of needing to look perfect finally made me snap. I ended up in the Quincy Behvioral Center (or crazy house) for awhile. No, not just because of my eating disorder. I've been fucked up in the head for a long time too. They made me eat five times a day there. If I didn't eat eveything on my plate they'd assume something was wrong with me and I'd be sent into counselling or something. So I ate, feeling my stomach expand to it's normal size with every bite. That was my downfall.
Since then I haven't been getting sick regularly, though that's not to say I don't have my moments like last night. But because I'd gotten used to eating so much in the hospital, I kept eating more and more when I got out. I gained all the weight I'd lost starving myself faster than I even thought possible. Stretch marks showed up on my stomach, chest and arms. I started hating myself more, but I haven't been able to stop eating again. People finally realized I had had a problem and were not going to let me fall into it again. Sometimes I wish they didn't care so much.
It's weeks like these when it hits me hardest. This week is the swimming section in PE. I won't swim. All of the girls in my class weigh less than 130 pounds except me, the fat ass. And the boys would make fun of my stretch marks. I almost cried yesterday when Mr. Taylor was about to ask my why I wasn't swimming.. It's dumb, but I hate myself. I can never do enough to fix myself. I've bought scar cream, tone up shoes, a weight loss drink, I've been eating less, and it's not working like I want it to..
So last night I kinda lost it, and I'm sorry for the people I upset. I'm just a little upset at myself. It feels nice to type all this out though.. Like I'm showing everyone the real person hiding behind the big hoodies and plain jeans. I think that's it for now.
It's kinda sad.
But I'm here to rectify that! Hooray! haha
Anyways, I'm going to start making a photo blog. Or a photo diary of sorts I suppose. I can't start at this very moment because I left my camera at home, but I'm getting it during lunch and I'm gonna take a shit load of pix. Yeah, that's right, pix. I've been wanting to do this for a long time but I've been putting it off till today. I tend to do that a lot. Ahwell.
Moving on, last night I had a minor (coughmajorcough) freak out thanks to the major inferiority complex instilled in me since childhood. I've had weight issues my entire life pretty much. Not saying I've been fat my entire life (although I have), but I've never dealt with my weight well.
When I was younger, I was treated differently. I was always laughed at from afar, friends were few and hard to find, and boys didn't look at me like they did the other girls. I didn't realize it back then, but the emotional damage was slowly tearing at my brain like a bunch of maggots in a dead raccoon. It's pretty obvious now though. The insecurities built up like a brick wall around my emotion and I've never been good at tearing those down.
In high school (or maybe it started in junior high), I finally quit just letting myself be that fat kid that everyone pretended to be nice to because I was nice to them. I fell into the dieting phase early, but that didn't work fast enough for me. I'd get impatient and give up, gaining all the weight back that I'd struggled to lose. But then, something happened. I don't know where I'd heard of it, but the thought of being able to throw up anything I'd been weak-willed enough to eat seemed like the perfect escape from this horrible body I'd let myself grow into. So I'd try to starve myself, and when I got weak and ate too much, I'd just get sick and it'd all be ok. Sadly enough, it worked. I lost a lot of weight.
Looking back, I was really pretty then. I should have been happy with myself and stayed where I was, but it was never good enough, never skinny enough. The added pressure of needing to look perfect finally made me snap. I ended up in the Quincy Behvioral Center (or crazy house) for awhile. No, not just because of my eating disorder. I've been fucked up in the head for a long time too. They made me eat five times a day there. If I didn't eat eveything on my plate they'd assume something was wrong with me and I'd be sent into counselling or something. So I ate, feeling my stomach expand to it's normal size with every bite. That was my downfall.
Since then I haven't been getting sick regularly, though that's not to say I don't have my moments like last night. But because I'd gotten used to eating so much in the hospital, I kept eating more and more when I got out. I gained all the weight I'd lost starving myself faster than I even thought possible. Stretch marks showed up on my stomach, chest and arms. I started hating myself more, but I haven't been able to stop eating again. People finally realized I had had a problem and were not going to let me fall into it again. Sometimes I wish they didn't care so much.
It's weeks like these when it hits me hardest. This week is the swimming section in PE. I won't swim. All of the girls in my class weigh less than 130 pounds except me, the fat ass. And the boys would make fun of my stretch marks. I almost cried yesterday when Mr. Taylor was about to ask my why I wasn't swimming.. It's dumb, but I hate myself. I can never do enough to fix myself. I've bought scar cream, tone up shoes, a weight loss drink, I've been eating less, and it's not working like I want it to..
So last night I kinda lost it, and I'm sorry for the people I upset. I'm just a little upset at myself. It feels nice to type all this out though.. Like I'm showing everyone the real person hiding behind the big hoodies and plain jeans. I think that's it for now.
Ttyl peeps
Thursday, January 20, 2011
It's been awhile.
I've almost reached a thousand pageviews.
I don't know what to think about that.
It's been 134 days since I've started my blog. That sounds like a long time, but when you think about the scheme of a lifetime it really isn't. But it's certainly long enough to have done more than I've done here. It's a little disappointing. I feel like I haven't been doing much lately. I'm trying to get better. I'm trying to get things done and patch up some strained relationships, but I keep getting selfish. I just wanna feel good and sleep and take my time to enjoy things. I don't wanna put forth effort where I don't feel it's entirely needed. I'm just being stupid and lazy really...
I've been losing track of what I want to do with my life I think. I've been enjoying what I have, thinking I'll always have it. But I should know better. That's just the cute little girl in me thinking I'm a pampered princess and no matter what happens, my knight will come rescue me. lol, I've noticed I'm kind of rambling now. That's alright. I'm just wasting time because I can't think of what to write for AP English. Hm.. Yeah. It's almost time to go. I'll just leave it at that.
I don't know what to think about that.
It's been 134 days since I've started my blog. That sounds like a long time, but when you think about the scheme of a lifetime it really isn't. But it's certainly long enough to have done more than I've done here. It's a little disappointing. I feel like I haven't been doing much lately. I'm trying to get better. I'm trying to get things done and patch up some strained relationships, but I keep getting selfish. I just wanna feel good and sleep and take my time to enjoy things. I don't wanna put forth effort where I don't feel it's entirely needed. I'm just being stupid and lazy really...
I've been losing track of what I want to do with my life I think. I've been enjoying what I have, thinking I'll always have it. But I should know better. That's just the cute little girl in me thinking I'm a pampered princess and no matter what happens, my knight will come rescue me. lol, I've noticed I'm kind of rambling now. That's alright. I'm just wasting time because I can't think of what to write for AP English. Hm.. Yeah. It's almost time to go. I'll just leave it at that.
Ttyl.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Silence.
Tomorrow is a national day of silence
To remember those we've lost due to suicide.
FYI
The ones who need the most help are the ones who don't ask for it. We stay silent to represent those people, and that they still exist, and they still need help.
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