Dear Reader,
Today, I had an hour long panic attack. It was pretty great. I'm pretty sure, someday, I'm going to die of a heart attack because I let so much stress in and I have a terrible time letting it go. Let me tell you how it went...
At five o'clock this morning I was woken abruptly by the sound of my phone vibrating against something hard. Normally this wouldn't have phased me, but it wasn't just three buzzes for a text, no, someone was calling me. No one calls me that early unless it's an emergency. I floundered in my bed for what seemed like ages, trying to find my phone. The buzzing stopped. I panicked. Luckily the light didn't go off before I had a chance to see it tucked in the metal frame of my bed. I grabbed it, saw who called, and immediately called back. I knew what the phone call meant...
My friend was obviously flustered. They kept asking about paper and pencil. I couldn't understand why until they explained what was happening. I felt so helpless laying there, miles away. I couldn't do anything but listen and offer my advice. I knew what was going to happen. They were going to be gone even longer... But hopefully that meant they would get the help they needed. At least, that's what I told myself when they hung up the phone to go wake up their mom..
I couldn't get to sleep, so I sent a text to Michael asking him if he knew what was happening, hoping he could calm me down. Between the phone call and my court appearance looming over me, I was hardly containing myself. He did help, but I think falling back asleep and forgetting about it all together really did the trick. When I woke up, I got up to take a shower and rushed to the courthouse. I should have gotten up earlier. I feel like that would have made things just a tad less stressful...
Anyways, I met my dad there and we walked into the courtroom. It was surprisingly crowded, at least where we were told to sit. My youth leader and his wife were there. It felt weird. Everything felt weird. I couldn't stand it. Last time I was in a court room it was not a good deal. The charges didn't go through and the defendant was joking with his attorney before hand... I can't stand seeing attorneys laugh now, but of course, that's all they did today. So besides the fact that just being up there freaked me out and made me think about that, the attorneys were laughing too. It was just fantastic..
I had no idea what I was doing. I just walked up and handed the man my ticket and he told me what he was going to offer me. I honestly don't even remember what he said. I remember nodding and crying and fighting back nausea while he looked at me like I was some spawn of satan.. Then the judge called everyone up individually to finalize the decisions. I had managed to calm down a bit before I walked up there, but as soon as the attorney started talking the tears were pouring down again.
I have court supervision for a year. A whole year. And all the fines totalled up to a ridiculous amount that my dad had to pay most of.. I felt like a huge screw up.. This isn't the only time I've felt like a huge waste of money for my parents. They've had to pay for hearing tests, psychiatric evaluations, counseling, countless medications, hospitalization, glasses, gas, food, clothing that I've gotten to fat to wear anyways.. I'm such a waste.
This was my thought process for nearly two and a half hours after my dad paid the circuit clerk. When we got to the exit my dad stopped me to tell me that I needed to kick myself in the ass, but then move on and learn from it. That's when my stomach dropped. Literally. I couldn't breathe and I felt like I was going to vomit. My dad walked us out to the cars and he followed me home I guess to make sure I was ok. I begged him to let me stay home from school. I didn't want to go in and have this panic attack in front of everyone. It was hard enough being so out of control in front of my own dad... So he let me crash on the couch, sobbing and wheezing like some crazed idiot. I did that for an hour before I finally fell asleep.
When I woke up, I finally felt like eating so I made myself some chicken noodle soup rice. Yes. You heard me right. I really don't remember feeling anything while I did though. I just remembered hurrying so I could see Michael before I fell apart again. He was asleep. I couldn't wake him up, and almost freaked out because I was so torn between waking him up and letting him sleep. I knew he hadn't gotten a lot.. It was stupid to worry about that though. =\ Eventually I woke him up and curled up next to him. But I couldn't get my breathing right. He could tell something was up. I sent a text to my dad asking if I could just not go to school at all, and he ended up calling me while Michael was in the bathroom.
My dad kept telling me I was a good kid. Even when I told him I was a waste of his money. Even after I had screwed up so many times. I don't get how he can think that.. Really. But he had me crying over the phone while Michael held my hand.. It was kinda embarrassing. Luckily, he let me skip.
Michael finally got me to calm down. He's so great like that... Just being with him makes me feel so much better.. I felt bad making him take care of me like that, but I so glad I have an amazing boyfriend that's willing to put up with that and help me through it. I really do love him.
Well that was my morning. I kinda starting to shut down again, so hopefully I'll get to sleep soon. I have the biggest headache from crying so much today. It's so stupid. All this stress is likely to kill me soon. =\ I don't even know why I worry so much. But I do. Hopefully that'll change eventually.
G'night,
Kim
No comments:
Post a Comment