This is for you Mrs. Hance...

"I worry about getting the stuff done, but that doesn't mean I do it."

You wanted me to type this out and think about it. So here it goes.

   I worry about everything. I always have since I was little. Like, teeny tiny. When I was finally able to figure out that every action had a concequence, good or bad, I worried. So of course I worry about this class and getting a good grade in it.  But I also worry about my friends, two of which are likely to go into a major depressive episode at any moment and try to kill themselves or be sent of to a psychiatric hospital. I worry about trying to get a job so I'm not a financial waste for my parents anymore. I worry about getting into college next year and what I'm going to do with my life after highschool. I worry a lot, even though worrying never really solve anything.

   All this worry does is stress me out. And all that stress does is make me even more tired than my medication already does. So all I want to do is eat, cry, and sleep. Honestly. I don't think I've admitted that in awhile. The only break I've really gotten from that is when I'm with or talking with Michael because then nothing else exists in my world. But when I'm not, I have days like I did Wednesday and Thursday. I have uncontrollable panic attacks in public and even when I calm down emotionally I can't force myself to physically calm down. Stress is piling up, because when I'm stressed, I don't want to do anything and when I don't want to do anything, I get stressed because I fall behind.

   It's a terrible cycle, but that's how my mind works. I'm sorry it makes it seem like I don't care. Deep down I really really do. I want to do good and understand and make people proud but my subconcious keeps telling me it's not really worth it... It's so stupid. But this is why I can worry about getting something done, but never do it. Even doing it makes me stress. If I try something, I want the results to be perfect. It's been harder to get things perfect anymore. I'm thinking the weather isn't helping. I'm hoping that's all it is. But it's been hard. It's been hard to try. But I have been..

Sincerly,

            Kim