Abra Cadaver

   I've recently rediscovered I can't stand being in the same room as a dead person.
   I had to go to a visitation yesterday and I about lost it. The first thing I always do when I enter a funeral home is try to locate the casket so I know where to avoid looking for the rest of the time. This visitation was different. The casket was hidden around a corner so I didn't see it until I was halfway through meeting and consoling the family. When i saw her my stomach dropped. It was terrible..
   The woman was my cousin's grandma. (For all of you thinking, "Wouldn't that make her your grandma too?" I'll say this for the millionth time. No. It's my uncle's mom. Not my aunt's. I wouldn't say my cousin's grandma if she was mine too. That's just stupid....) So she wasn't even really related. I'd only seen her maybe three times in my life. But just knowing that that cold dead body was once alive, in my house even, just bothered me.. I couldn't believe she was dead. She looked asleep. In fact, every time my eyes strayed back to her calm face, I could have sworn it had moved as if she was tossing and turning in her sleep. It was incredibly unnerving.
   I don't know what happens in my head when I see that, but I had to fight back tears and the bile rising in my stomach.  I couldn't wait to get out of there, and I felt terrible for that. I couldn't imagine how her family felt, standing there for two hours when their grandma/mother/sister/friend was laying there dead...
   Maybe it bothers me so much because it forces me to face my own mortality...
   I'm afraid to die...