Through my looking glass

Random thoughts and memories popping into my head in the next five minutes.
Ready
Set
Go

I got a free drink and free christmas lights yesterday.

I slept through AP English today. And I lied to Michael at the same time. I feel worse about the second.

My eyes keep twitching. I must be pretty tired.

My back really hurts.

Brittany Boughman is in Hawaii.

I almost got a poem published as the top ten in the nation, but I forgot to submit the second form so it was only published normally.

I've only ever dreamt about my grandma Carol. Not Helen.

I found my camera earlier.

I've ridden a camel once. It was pretty great. I ate alligator that same day.

There's a lunar eclipse tonight.

I woke up the other night to my mom crying and yelling at my dad.

I forget how unusual it is that my biological parents are still together.

I still have hives from stressing too much. However, I've fought off any recent panic scares.

I can hum and whistle at the same time.

I love futurama.

I want to write a song.

I used to cry for hours when I was little when I thought about death and how absolute it is.

I really like runts. The candy.

I'm afraid of a lot of irrational stuff.

Times up.

   Well that was fun. I think I'll do more random crap like that every once and a while. Hope everyone has a good night.

Ttyl

88/129 This is why I can call myself stupid.

(X) Smoked A Cigarette
(X) Smoked A Cigar
(X) Kissed a member of the same sex
(X) Drank Alcohol
SO FAR: 4

Level 2

(X) Are / Been In Love
(X) Been Dumped
(X) Shoplifted
() Been Fired
() Been In A Fist Fight

SO FAR: 7

Level 3

(X) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(X) Skipped School
() Dated A Co-worker
() Seen Someone / Something Die

SO FAR: 9

Level 4

(X) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your Facebook Friends
( ) Been To Paris
( ) Been To England
(X) Been On A Plane

SO FAR: 11



Level 5

() Eaten Sushi
() Been Snowboarding
() Met Someone BECAUSE Of Facebook/Myspace/MXit
(X) Been in a Mosh Pit
SO FAR: 12

Level 6

(X) Taken Pain Killers
(X) Loved/Liked Someone Who You Can't Have
(X) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(X) Made A Snow Angel
SO FAR: 16


Level 7

() Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
() Gone Mudding
(x) Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 19


Level 8

(X) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
(X) Gone Sledding
(X) Cheated While Playing A Game
(X) Been Lonely
(X) Fallen Asleep At Work / School
SO FAR: 24

Level 9

(X) Watched The Sun Set
() Felt An Earthquake
(X) Held A Snake

SO FAR: 26


Level 10

(X) Been Tickled
(X) Been Robbed / Vandalized
(X) Been Cheated On
(X) Been Misunderstood
SO FAR: 30


Level 11

(X) Won A Contest
() Been Suspended From School
(X) Had Detention
(X) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident

SO FAR:33

Level 12

() Had / Have Braces
() Eaten A Whole Pint Of Ice Cream In One Night
(X) Danced In The Moonlight

SO FAR: 34


Level 13

(X) Hated The Way You Look
(X) Witnessed A Crime
() Pole Danced
(X) Questioned Your Heart
(X) Been Obsessed With Post It Notes

SO FAR: 38

Level 14

(X) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(X) Been Lost
() Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(X) Swam In The Ocean
(X) Felt Like You Were Dying
SO FAR: 42


Level 15

(X) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(X) Played Cops And Robbers
(X)Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(X) Sang Karaoke
(X) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins
SO FAR: 47

Level 16

(X) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
(X) Made Prank Phone Calls
(X) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
(X) Kissed In The Rain
SO FAR: 51

Level 17

(X) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(X) Watched The Sun Set and/or Sun Rise With Someone You Care/Cared About
(X) Blown Bubbles
() Made A Bonfire On The Beach
SO FAR: 54


Level 18

() Crashed A Party
() Have Travelled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(X) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(X) Had A Wish Come True

SO FAR: 56


Level 19

(X) Worn Pearls
(X) Jumped Off A Bridge
() Swam With Dolphins
SO FAR: 58

Level 20

(X) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/Ice Cube
() Kissed A Fish
(X) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
(X) Sat On A Roof Top
SO FAR: 61

Level 21

(X) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
() Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
(X) Talked On The Phone For More Than 4 Hours
(X) Recently Stayed Up For A While Talking To Someone You Care About
SO FAR: 64

Level 22

() Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(X) Climbed A Tree
(X) Had/Been In A Tree House
() Been Scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone

SO FAR: 66


Level 23

() Believe In Ghosts
() Have/had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
() Streaking
() Visited a Jail
SO FAR: 66

Level 24

(x) Played Chicken
(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
() Broken A Bone
(x) Been Easily Amused

SO FAR: 69


Level 25

() Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
() Made A Porn Movie
(X) Caught A Butterfly
(X) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(X) Cried So Hard You Laughed
SO FAR: 72

Level 26

(X) Mooned/Flashed Someone
(X) Had Someone Moon/Flash You
(X) Cheated On A Test
(X) Forgotten Someone's Name
() French Braided Someones Hair
(X) Gone Skinny Dipping
() Been Kicked Out Of Your House

SO FAR: 77

Level 27

(X) Rode A Roller Coaster
() Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling
(X) Had A Cavity
(X) Black-Mailed Someone
(X) Been Black Mailed
SO FAR: 81


Level 28

(X) Been Used
(X) Fell Going Up The Stairs
(X) Licked by A Cat
(X) Bitten Someone
(X) Licked Someone
SO FAR: 86

Level 29

() Been Shot At/Or At Gunpoint
() Had Sex In The Rain
() Flattened Someones Tires
(X) Rode Your Bike/Driven Your Car Until The Fuel Light Came On
(X) Got $20 Or Less Worth Of Fuel
Total: 88

This is for you Mrs. Hance...

"I worry about getting the stuff done, but that doesn't mean I do it."

You wanted me to type this out and think about it. So here it goes.

   I worry about everything. I always have since I was little. Like, teeny tiny. When I was finally able to figure out that every action had a concequence, good or bad, I worried. So of course I worry about this class and getting a good grade in it.  But I also worry about my friends, two of which are likely to go into a major depressive episode at any moment and try to kill themselves or be sent of to a psychiatric hospital. I worry about trying to get a job so I'm not a financial waste for my parents anymore. I worry about getting into college next year and what I'm going to do with my life after highschool. I worry a lot, even though worrying never really solve anything.

   All this worry does is stress me out. And all that stress does is make me even more tired than my medication already does. So all I want to do is eat, cry, and sleep. Honestly. I don't think I've admitted that in awhile. The only break I've really gotten from that is when I'm with or talking with Michael because then nothing else exists in my world. But when I'm not, I have days like I did Wednesday and Thursday. I have uncontrollable panic attacks in public and even when I calm down emotionally I can't force myself to physically calm down. Stress is piling up, because when I'm stressed, I don't want to do anything and when I don't want to do anything, I get stressed because I fall behind.

   It's a terrible cycle, but that's how my mind works. I'm sorry it makes it seem like I don't care. Deep down I really really do. I want to do good and understand and make people proud but my subconcious keeps telling me it's not really worth it... It's so stupid. But this is why I can worry about getting something done, but never do it. Even doing it makes me stress. If I try something, I want the results to be perfect. It's been harder to get things perfect anymore. I'm thinking the weather isn't helping. I'm hoping that's all it is. But it's been hard. It's been hard to try. But I have been..

Sincerly,

            Kim

Thanks Mr. K

You were right.
This has stuck with me.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
Oh no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Sonnet 116 - Shakespear

   That was such a cool project. Our group was definitely the best ever. For those of you taking Honors World Lit this year, don't just overlook this project. Take it to heart. It's worth having things to remember. Honestly.
   Also, my friend found this quote and I fell in love with it.

This was love at first sight, love everlasting: a feeling unknown, unhoped for, unexpected - in so far as it could be a matter of conscious awareness; it took entire possession of him, and he understood, with joyous amazement, that this was for life

-Thomas Mann

Apparently this is from his short story "Early Sorrow". I just thought it was beautiful. I like quotes about love. Often they can describe the feelings that I can't. 

Stress - A Long One

Dear Reader,
   Today, I had an hour long panic attack. It was pretty great. I'm pretty sure, someday, I'm going to die of a heart attack because I let so much stress in and I have a terrible time letting it go. Let me tell you how it went...
   At five o'clock this morning I was woken abruptly by the sound of my phone vibrating against something hard. Normally this wouldn't have phased me, but it wasn't just three buzzes for a text, no, someone was calling me. No one calls me that early unless it's an emergency. I floundered in my bed for what seemed like ages, trying to find my phone. The buzzing stopped. I panicked. Luckily the light didn't go off before I had a chance to see it tucked in the metal frame of my bed. I grabbed it, saw who called, and immediately called back. I knew what the phone call meant...
   My friend was obviously flustered. They kept asking about paper and pencil. I couldn't understand why until they explained what was happening. I felt so helpless laying there, miles away. I couldn't do anything but listen and offer my advice. I knew what was going to happen. They were going to be gone even longer... But hopefully that meant they would get the help they needed. At least, that's what I told myself when they hung up the phone to go wake up their mom..
   I couldn't get to sleep, so I sent a text to Michael asking him if he knew what was happening, hoping he could calm me down. Between the phone call and my court appearance looming over me, I was hardly containing myself. He did help, but I think falling back asleep and forgetting about it all together really did the trick. When I woke up, I got up to take a shower and rushed to the courthouse. I should have gotten up earlier. I feel like that would have made things just a tad less stressful...
   Anyways, I met my dad there and we walked into the courtroom. It was surprisingly crowded, at least where we were told to sit. My youth leader and his wife were there. It felt weird. Everything felt weird. I couldn't stand it.  Last time I was in a court room it was not a good deal. The charges didn't go through and the defendant was joking with his attorney before hand... I can't stand seeing attorneys laugh now, but of course, that's all they did today. So besides the fact that just being up there freaked me out and made me think about that, the attorneys were laughing too. It was just fantastic..
   I had no idea what I was doing. I just walked up and handed the man my ticket and he told me what he was going to offer me. I honestly don't even remember what he said. I remember nodding and crying and fighting back nausea while he looked at me like I was some spawn of satan.. Then the judge called everyone up individually to finalize the decisions. I had managed to calm down a bit before I walked up there, but as soon as the attorney started talking the tears were pouring down again.
   I have court supervision for a year. A whole year. And all the fines totalled up to a ridiculous amount that my dad had to pay most of.. I felt like a huge screw up.. This isn't the only time I've felt like a huge waste of money for my parents. They've had to pay for hearing tests, psychiatric evaluations, counseling, countless medications, hospitalization, glasses, gas, food, clothing that I've gotten to fat to wear anyways.. I'm such a waste.
   This was my thought process for nearly two and a half hours after my dad paid the circuit clerk. When we got to the exit my dad stopped me to tell me that I needed to kick myself in the ass, but then move on and learn from it. That's when my stomach dropped. Literally. I couldn't breathe and I felt like I was going to vomit. My dad walked us out to the cars and he followed me home I guess to make sure I was ok. I begged him to let me stay home from school. I didn't want to go in and have this panic attack in front of everyone. It was hard enough being so out of control in front of my own dad... So he let me crash on the couch, sobbing and wheezing like some crazed idiot. I did that for an hour before I finally fell asleep.
   When I woke up, I finally felt like eating so I made myself some chicken noodle soup rice. Yes. You heard me right. I really don't remember feeling anything while I did though. I just remembered hurrying so I could see Michael before I fell apart again. He was asleep. I couldn't wake him up, and almost freaked out because I was so torn between waking him up and letting him sleep. I knew he hadn't gotten a lot.. It was stupid to worry about that though. =\ Eventually I woke him up and curled up next to him. But I couldn't get my breathing right. He could tell something was up. I sent a text to my dad asking if I could just not go to school at all, and he ended up calling me while Michael was in the bathroom.
   My dad kept telling me I was a good kid. Even when I told him I was a waste of his money. Even after I had screwed up so many times. I don't get how he can think that.. Really. But he had me crying over the phone while Michael held my hand.. It was kinda embarrassing. Luckily, he let me skip.
   Michael finally got me to calm down. He's so great like that... Just being with him makes me feel so much better.. I felt bad making him take care of me like that, but I so glad I have an amazing boyfriend that's willing to put up with that and help me through it. I really do love him.
  Well that was my morning. I kinda starting to shut down again, so hopefully I'll get to sleep soon. I have the biggest headache from crying so much today. It's so stupid. All this stress is likely to kill me soon. =\ I don't even know why I worry so much. But I do. Hopefully that'll change eventually.
G'night,
Kim

Kimberly..Your boredom is showing!

    I got really bored the other day. So I found my camera and took pics. Here are a couple. And for those of you that don't see my on a regular basis, this is what I look like with my crazy new glasses >.<

  Yeah. Like I said, I was really bored. I still am. I wanna write a poem now..but my brain has gone numb since last night. =\. And I have court tomorrow.
   I have bad experiences with the court room... His parents were laughing.. He could have gone to jail, he did a horrendous thing, and they were freaking joking with their attourney... Gah. That's all I can ever think about when I go up there. They were laughing. At me. Like I was nothing... I'm gonna go cry for a little bit now. Hopefully I won't have a panic attack.. I hate thinking about this.

G'night.

Test

This week will be a good test.

   One of my best friends left for at least a week, completely out of my range of communication and support basically. So I'm a little worried. But I'm working hard not to worry so much anymore. Worrying doesn't accomplish anything besides ulcers and a sooner death. So hopefully I'll be able to keep that under control and he'll be ok and I'll get a little stronger not relying on having him around to complain to. I just wish I could do more for him. It's already been weird going a day without him bugging me >.< But it'll be ok. Hopefully when he gets back we'll throw a party and everything will be better.

That's all I can ask for.

And this hoody smells nice...

   That helps.

Wanna know something?

   Well... I was going to write a blog about how much it sucks that I can't sleep right now and I have to be up in less than four hours. But... I lost all motivation. I hate feeling tired and useless but not being able to sleep. So lame. Also. I got called prophetic today. I think I'm really psychic. Take that doubters!! haha. I don't know.
Bye.

-Insert Evil Laugh Here-

Muahahahahahahaha
   Now I can see where you are when you view my blog!!! It's genius!!!
   Ok, so it's not really genius. More like my boredom showing through, but I think it's pretty nifty. This is what happens when you give a girl a weekend with no homework and not much to do in a day. She goes insane. Works out even. Speaking of, my back is killing me. Stupid spine. Stretching it out was not a good idea. Anywhoo...Now I'm laying on my bed talking to Michael and fighting the urge to just fall asleep. It'd be nice, but I have more important things I could be doing. Like stuff. Don't ask again >.>
  Haha, I think I am going a little stir crazy. I apologize. Welp... I think I'm either going to play guitar or watch Digimon now (Yeah, that's right. Don't judge.). You all have a fun night and I'll try to have one too!!

Ttyl

Abra Cadaver

   I've recently rediscovered I can't stand being in the same room as a dead person.
   I had to go to a visitation yesterday and I about lost it. The first thing I always do when I enter a funeral home is try to locate the casket so I know where to avoid looking for the rest of the time. This visitation was different. The casket was hidden around a corner so I didn't see it until I was halfway through meeting and consoling the family. When i saw her my stomach dropped. It was terrible..
   The woman was my cousin's grandma. (For all of you thinking, "Wouldn't that make her your grandma too?" I'll say this for the millionth time. No. It's my uncle's mom. Not my aunt's. I wouldn't say my cousin's grandma if she was mine too. That's just stupid....) So she wasn't even really related. I'd only seen her maybe three times in my life. But just knowing that that cold dead body was once alive, in my house even, just bothered me.. I couldn't believe she was dead. She looked asleep. In fact, every time my eyes strayed back to her calm face, I could have sworn it had moved as if she was tossing and turning in her sleep. It was incredibly unnerving.
   I don't know what happens in my head when I see that, but I had to fight back tears and the bile rising in my stomach.  I couldn't wait to get out of there, and I felt terrible for that. I couldn't imagine how her family felt, standing there for two hours when their grandma/mother/sister/friend was laying there dead...
   Maybe it bothers me so much because it forces me to face my own mortality...
   I'm afraid to die...

The Crow & The Butterfly

1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS. SERIOUSLY!!
Yes...I am this bored =\
You guys probably don't even know most of these songs. But this is what I got:

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS ‘ARE YOU OKAY’ YOU SAY?
Bed of Nails

2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Failling Is Not Just For Failures

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Always You (Good Times)

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Island

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Born Like This

6. WHAT’S YOUR MOTTO?
Be Yourself

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
You Could Be Happy

8. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Break Out! Break Out!

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Oh, Infamous City

10. WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Cath...

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Don't Be Afraid

12. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
I Stand Alone

13. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Everything Zen

14. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Gives You Hell

15. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Life Starts Now

16. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Talking Bird

17. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Decisions, Decisions

18. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Spellbound

19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
You Were A House On Fire

20. WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
A Well Respected Man

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Fast Forward To 2012

22. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
The Crow & The Butterfly

Now I'm Going To Ramble On About Mirrors...

   Image is a scary thing. Ask anyone....
   Our self image is simply what we see reflected off the mirror of our environment. Whether that mirror is flawless and true or as screwed up as a funhouse mirror depends on what we allow to distort it: friends, strangers, pictures, words, ourselves. It's so easy to let one little thing put a chip in our mirrors. But once theres a crack it'll continue to web out under the slightest pressure until the image we see is no longer recognizable.
   Can we fix our mirrors? I'm not sure... But I hope so. =\

I'm Embarrassed..

   So I was inspired by Michael to write a blog without using my backspace button. Right now I'm in consumer education and we just finished a covab worksheet so I have a lot of freetime now. I didn't realize how instinctually I reach for tbe backspace. It's ridiculous. I've actually had to  bgo back and retype my mistakes to keep it authentic. I just couldn't not hit the backspace haha.
   After reading michaels blog i realized I'm not really sure what I'm goign to do after I graduate. It's kinda scary to think about. I mean..i've applied to western and I'm sure I'll get in, but as to where I'm staying between now thand then or where I'll be working or if I'll even bee alive. (Ths is so embarrassing. I've noticed I have the dtendancy to start halfway into a word or skip words all together >.<) But hopefully I'll be going to Ireland this summer and I'll get a decent job soon (it really suckes when you don't eat cause you can't afford to but footd. )and I'll be out of my house as soon as i can and it'll all work out great. Hoepfully.
   WQow..i just read through that. Wow...
   In kinda just want to sleep. I've been so tired lately, but my body hasn't let me sleep much when I want to. It seems liek whenever i don't want to fall sasleep I'm passed out like a brick or a cnarcoleptic dog. I think that's wthe word... Anyways, it sucks. Like last night, I was falling asleep on Michael without even realizeing it, but when I cot home I couldn't sleep to save my life. Well, for awhile. Then i fell asleep in the middle of a conversation with him. i always feel back bad** when I do that. Ugh. This is ridiculous. I think I'm going to stop and take a nap before band. T I'm still trying to decide between getting food fo r lucnch with my beggar money (thansks Aaron...) or going to see michalel. I know what I should do, but I also know what I want to do. We'll see.
   This blog tdidn't really make sense. but is was fun. I hope you enjoy seeing how bad I really type. It's preetty horrendos. hahaha. But I'm tired. It's anap time.

Ttyl

I'm smarter than I look. Oh wait...

These new glasses make me look smart apparently.
   Does that mean I didn't seem smart before or I'm not actually smart? I dunno. But I feel weird in glasses. I have issues with my appearance.. And I don't really understand why people think they make others look smart. People wear glasses because their eyesight is failing them, not because it increases or enhances their intelligence. That's stupid. It's just one of the many things I'll never really understand.
   Well that's really the only other thing that's been on my mind today. Other than being super happy. Got a hot date tonight lol. =3 I haven't really stopped smiling since I woke up... It's great. <3

  I'll talk to you later!!!