Sorrrrryyyy.

   I wasn't feeling very good last night, so I'm making up for that. Here's yesterday's and today's posts.

Day 11
What's in your makeup bag?

   I don't really have a makeup bag, but I have a jumble of makeup in a pile. It consists of a cheap stick of black eyeliner, a big case of like, 50 colors of eye shadow, Mirabella coverup, and blush. And I only wear it every once and a while. Depends on when I wake up, how I feel, or where I'm going. But when I do wear it, I'm gorgeous. lol.


Day 12
A photograph of where you live..

Uh...I'll update this one when I have one >.< lol

Day 10 - Food?

Day 10
A photo of your favorite place to eat..

   Well, I really don't like to eat. So I don't have a fovorite place. I guess wherever I have good food and feel like I want to eat. Meh...
   Sorry, I feel sick. I don't feel like writing this. I don't feel like staying up and finishing this AP English. I don't feel like waking up tomorrow. Eh. We'll see...

Day 9 - I'm pretty simple. Kinda.

Day 9
A photo of the item you last purchased.

   Well, technically, the last thing I bought was a No Fear from the gas station. There was no way I was going to make it through the night without it. I'm still amazed I'm awake. Anyways. Here's that.

   Ok, so I didn't take that picture. But that is technically the last thing I bought.  However, if you want to go for like, a major purchase or something, here it is.

   It's a Beating Heart Pillow. I'm terrible at explaining what it is, so here's what Thinkgeek says. (That's where I bought it from.)

   We're no stranger to stress here at the ThinkGeek office. We toil night and day tortuously sorting through shiny new toys and electronics while we down loads of caffeinated beverages and try to select only the choicest gadget fruits to satisfy your discerning palette. Yep... it's a tough job but we have these handy Stress Relief Pillows to help out. Clutch them to your chest and they vibrate with a special rhythmic heart beat to calm your nerves. We were skeptical at first, but found that they really do de-stress even the jaded amongst us.
   The amazing thing about My Beating Heart is that every time you turn it on, an entirely unique heartbeat rhythm is created. In fact, every rhythm itself gradually changes and subtly dances, algorithmically modeling the heartbeat in a deep meditative state. This isn't a pre-recorded rhythm and this isn't a "heartbeat sound." This is a physical heartbeat that realistically changes over time.
   Our hearts naturally begin to dance and sync with the hearts of other we hold or hug. This is a phenomenon we have observed for ages. Hugging the Beating Heart a few minutes allows the calm and dreamy beat to relax the body, ease the mind, and cajoles the spirit.

   I had actually bought this weeks ago, but Paypal fucked it up, so I bought it again this afternoon. I figure I could use it after a night like last night. One hour of sleep. Actually, I've only got 3 hours of sleep in the past 24 hours. I'm exhausted. Hopefully falling asleep will be easier with that. It should be coming in a couple days. Well, off to my AP English. Night..

Day 8 - Bad mood...

Day 8
A song to match your mood...



   My heart aches. I miss him. I hate him. I love him... It all hurts too much. He cares, yet he's probably the person who's hurt me the most through my entire 17 years.. He's hurt me and he's saved me. I get my hopes up and think he loves me too, but I know better. And I know it'll never work. And I know he hates me. But I love him. God I love him so much...
   I'm not having a good night. I'm worried my friend is going to either end up a mess or kill himself, I'm getting into one of my moods again and I'm not treating myself well, my other friends are going through too much and I'm too stupid to not let it get to me too...
  Haha...I hate crying... I hope I get to bed soon. =\
  Night...

Day 7 - One word: Ireland

Day 7
Your dream wedding.

   Ireland! In Ireland!!! With all my besties in the beautiful Irish contryside marrying the perfect man. Enough said. <3

Ps. The honeymoon would also be in Ireland.

Day 6 - I'm pretty sure I love animals.

Day 6

A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet...

   Alright, I figured I should pick some wild animals that I'd never get to keep so I narrowed it down to two different animals. Numero Uno, the Grey Wolf

   They're positively my favorite animal. They're so beautiful and intelligent. I also have a gift with dogs, so I figure I'd do pretty darn good with their cousin. I love wolves...

  The second one is the fox, but I found two. The first one is just my favorite kind of fox, the Red Fox

   So adorable. They remind me of Fox and the Hound. Very cute movie. but, while I was looking up foxes, I found that some people do actually keep them as pets. In fact, one species if often bred as pets. Those are the Fennec Foxes

  They're so tiny compared to their big ears. At first I was like, wtf o.O but they grew on me. I'd love to have one. I love animals <3. Well, it's been a long day. Hope you enjoyed the cute animals. Night 

Day 5- To The Past

Day 5
A photo of you from two years ago...

   These pictures are from about a year and nine months ago, because that's as far back as my camera had on it. So, this is a year and nine months and about fifty pounds ago...

   I wasn't very smart back then...I mean, I was intelligent, but I'm pretty sure this was when I was making myself sick to look "pretty". Admittedly, I was happier with myself then than I am now.. But I'm trying not to fall back into that horror story. Also, I miss my super long hair. It's almost back! Ugh. I'm so tired. I'm going to get to reading the rest of 1984 now. Goodnight..



Day 4- My Goofball Friends

Day 4
Your favorite photograph of your best friend...

   First off, I'm changing this to friendS. Second of all, it's the autumnal equinox. Happy Autumn! If you haven't seen the moon, go out and look at is. Simply goreous.
   So I may be cheating, but I'm addicted to facebook, and my three closest (best) friends use it, so I found my favorite pictures of them from there. Here's my first one. They're not in any order, so hush everyone. I love you all soooo so much.

Aaron Furr
My Aarnon.

   He doesn't really like getting his picture taken. Or the sun lol. He's been my bestie for like forever, despite the fact that we went out for a year and a half and or relationship is super complicated. Maybe I'll get into that whole deal someday, but for now all you need to know that we really care about each other, and despite each other's bull crap, we're there for each other. He's a sarcastic, teenage boy with an extremely intelligent mind and a complicated past. Most people don't realize those last two things. I wish they did. He's something special. Seriously.

NEXT!

Alyssa Lucas
My super gangster.

   Yeah, I stole one of her senior pictures >.< haha. She just looked especially gangster though. We met each other through church. We were the only girls in our age group, so we quickly became friends. We've had a couple rough patches in our friendship, but I still consider one of my besties. She's got a crazy quirky attitude but is still really good about pulling herself down to earth when she needs to (or I need her to) and I really appreciate that about her. And she's super pretty. And a gangster. Everyone be jealous!

LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST....

Amy Lafferty
My Ammers.

   My beautiful bestie/wifey lol.  I'm pretty sure we've been best friends the longest as long as you don't count the couple "breaks" we've had. They've all been my fault anyways. Me and my neurotic tendancies. Anyways, she's a completely goofball, but one of the most loving people I've ever met. She's forgiven me for things I don't think I can even forgive myself for. I love her to death. We're getting married as soon as she dumps her boyfriend haha.

   I love these guys so much. They've stuck with me through so much and that's more than I could ever ask of anyone. This isn't to say that there aren't others out there that I don't love and care about. These are just the few that I consider my closest friends, the ones I can tell anyone too. And they're all pretty darn sexy =P. lol. Anyways. They should all feel special they're on here. I feel special that they're willing to be my friends! YEAH! haha. Goodnight.

Day 3 - My Perfect First Date

Day 3 
Your idea of the perfect first date...

   I'm not sure I'd want a first date to be perfect. To me that would just be a sign that something terrible is bound to happen later. Besides, quirky, embarrassing moments are the staple of a healthy relationship. Might as well start out on the right foot.
  I'd want a first date to be somewhere public though. Not crowded and impersonal, but where others are close by. Safety issue.. Something like a picnic in a park or dinner at a nice small town restaurant would be nice. We'd have just enough awkward silences to be sure we didn't share everything about ourselves on the first date. The mystery would keep me coming back. I'd be fine with holding hands. Maybe a kiss on the cheek if I already knew them. But I would want things to go slow. I've had too slow and too fast. I'm not sure where the median is, but I'll know it when I get there.
  I haven't been on many real dates, so this one is tough for me... I guess as long as the guy genuinely cared about me, it'd be perfect. If someone could show me what love really is, I'd be happy.

   Sorry if this didn't make any sense. it's really late and I'm exhausted. Just got done with this...

  For Ap English with an accompanying page. And I scrubbed the nasty ass floors at Dairy Queen. My knees are killing me and I'm afraid to let my hands anywhere near my face, even after a half an hour shower. Ugh. Wish I had my camera to show you how disgusting it was. Anyways, I'm gonna go pass out now. Pray I can function tomorrow. Night.

Day 2 – Mmmm Food.

Day 2 
A photo of something you ate today...

  I didn't have breakfast today, but...

    This was my lunch! For those of you who don't know me, I'm completely addicted to energy drinks. My two all time favorite are No Fear and Amp Lightning. They're pretty much the best things ever. Generally during my lunch period I'll go home and get something I may have forgotten or use the restroom or take some medicine etc. then head to the gas station for my daily fix. Today was different. I neglected to turn in my money for senior shirts or remind my mother to leave me a check this morning, so I had to hunt her down all lunch period.
   She's usually at work during my lunch, so I drove into town. I didn't see her car anywhere, so I called her. Of course, she didn't answer her phone, so I drove home thinking maybe she took an early lunch but when I got there she was nowhere to be found. As a last resort I drove back to her work to ask the others where she was. Turns out she was there the whole time...go figure. But I finally found her and got my check with ten minutes to spare. Off to the gas station we go! I usually don't get food during lunch, but I was really hungry, hence the Combos. They were pretty darn tasty... And that was my lunch.

   This afternoon after another monotonous day of school, I confronted my parents about applying at the Bushnell Dairy Queen. When I got the ok, I drove 25 minutes to the place of possible future employment. Here's hoping they call back xx. When I got back, I was hungry again (go figure haha) so I ate this...

   A Klondike Oreo. Delicious.

   In case you haven't noticed, I don't have a very healthy diet. It doesn't help that the other day I went back through old pictures and was reminded of how much weight I've gained in the past year. Needless to say I'm not much in the eating mood lately... I could throw you the same excuse I give everyone; during the week I spent in the hospital I was forced to eat five times a day and when I came home, I kept eating and eating... But I'm pretty sure that's all that is: an excuse. Either way, today is my first day of getting back to "better". It'll be tough, but I won't be as stupid about it as I was last time.

  Anyways, after my snack and a couple minutes lounging around with my computer, I had drum line sectionals. It went pretty well. Our freshman tenor is finally starting to get it and everyone else is slowly getting better. We did get chewed out for our rehearsal etiquette. I certainly didn't help any. I was ready to leave.. I'll be sure to make a conscious effort to stay professional next time though.

  After that, a brief party with another present of which I will not tell you about, again >.> haha. And now I'm home, sipping on my 30 oz bottle of water and reading 1984 for Ap English. It's pretty relaxing. Just what I need after a long day. Hopefully tonight will stay quiet and stress-free. Goodnight everyone.

30 Days of Night Time Blogging.

  A friend's blog recently inspired me to start a thirty day challenge, so I think I'm going to start today. Here's the list of blogs I'll be doing for the next thirty days.

Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.
Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.
Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
Day 8 – A song to match your mood.
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of youself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days

  So here it goes.

Day 1
A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was...

  Today was interesting. My mom woke me up at 9:20 when I was supposed to be up and at church by 9. So I slept in and planned to go to church at 10. Didn't wake up till 12 >.<.  But I needed that after the long day yesterday. I have the tendency to sleep in/sleep a lot. It's kinda sad sometimes. I just won't get out of bed, but it's been getting better. I think.
  I worked on getting caught up on my AP English homework today between waking up and going to work. We've had four journals to write and two assignments to finish and I think I've finally got them all done. I'm not quite up to speed with our reading though. We're reading 1984 by George Orwell. It's a pretty fantastic book. I don't know why I haven't been reading more of it. I guess I've been busy. I feel like saying that though is lying...
  Anyways, I was supposed to head into work at 5. In case you can't tell or don't already know, I work at Dairy Queen, but more on that in a moment. While I was driving in to work, I got a message from my youth pastor to be at church, so I called and told my co-workers I'd be a bit late (Which was fine with them. It's not like they could afford to fire me anyways. Ha). When I got to the church, we had a meeting about starting up the worship team again.
  This was some extremely exciting news for me. I miss being a part of something fun and worthwile. It's been a long time since I've played for the band. Our old worship leader just recently had a kid, so he's out of the picture for awhile. Even before the baby, he always seemed to busy to put things together... Now we have a new worship leader, the super nice, super cute, John Barry. I'm looking forward to it. Especially now that work and band will be winding down and I'll actually have time to go to youth group.
  As soon as the meeting was over I drove to work. I worked from 5:30 to 11:15 with Jill (dunno her last name >.<) and Krisyn Moore, my friend since pre-school. It went by pretty smooth despite the fact Jill was in the back texting every ten minutes. Ugh. I love her and all, but seriously, she could have waited. Oh well. It was still a good night. And I got a tip and a present. But I won't tell you what it waasssss. Haha. =P
  Now I'm chilling out on the couch, watching King of the Hill and eating a slice of left over pizza. I can't wait to fall asleep. Hooray for mild insomnia. Anyways, I'm really excited to keep this 30 Day Challenge going. It'll be fun. And hopefully it'll keep me busy and from worrying about everything else. Goodnight!

Fix You

   So today was our marching band's first competition. We played at Morton High School and to put it lightly, things didn't go very well. According to all of our instructors we did a fantastic job and our next competition will be even better, but I can't help feeling like the whole thing was a failure. Since my freshman year, the Macomb Marching Band has done exceptionally well in all of our competitions. I can't even remember the last time our band has performed and not placed in a single category. But we did tonight. I worked my ass off, went to practices sick as a dog, and helped lead the bass line just to get my butt handed to me by other schools.
  Granted, the classes were separated differently this year and we didn't have the entire show on the field. We competed against schools twice as big as us because Morton decided to go by band size, not school size. So most of the schools could piss money while we are basically a self funded band. There were so many things going against us. Not to mention so many of the freshmen don't know what the heck they're doing.
   Gah. It all makes me so mad. I feel like I've been working so hard for nothing. That's how I'm feeling about most things, so tonight definitely didn't help. Work and school seem just as pointless. Hopefully everything will get better eventually. This is definitely not the way I want to carry out my senior year. Ugh...

  When you try your best but you don't succeed. When you get what you want but not what you need. When you feel so tired but you can't sleep. Stuck in reverse...

I'm a robot?

   My apologies if none of this makes sense. My dad finally got me cough medicine and it's making me loopy. I'm not robotripping (like my dad happened to warn me about as he gives me a dose of the medicine...yes, really)(Or as the title suggests) but I'm pretty out of it. But I feel like I need to say something while I'm in this state. Maybe looking back on it will bring forth some amazing revelation i wouldn't have had otherwise.

   I've been sick for like, four days now. It's been pretty miserable. Especially when I've gone from being extremely depressed to the point of suicidal before my period, to the strongest man in my life calling me crying about how terrible his life is (and it is pretty miserable...), to being sick as a freaking dog.
  I've still been having some fun though. We're making cookies in culinary class. I'm making a french tuile cookie. I'm glad I'm finally learning how to make something. I'm the kind of person who messes up making macaroni. It's pretty sad.
  I found a cool quote today. Well, I guess my brother did actually. "Drop the idea that you're Atlas, carrying the world on your shoulders. The world would go on even without you. Don't take yourself so seriously." I can't remember who said it or where it came from, but I wish I could believe it more. I know the world could go on without me, but everything that happens to me seems to be the biggest thing ever. I'm tired of feeling like the world is about me. It's annoying. I'm not that important at all. In fact, I hate me. I'm pretty messed up. But we won't go into all that right now. I'm just tired of feeling like the world's on my shoulders.
  Uhm...I feel like there was a lot more important things i was going to share but I can't remember. I'm about to go curl up in my cozy bed and let all the medicine take over. Here's hoping I don't wake up tomorrow without my voice again. If any of you that read this go to school with me, ask me how my cookies turned out. Maybe I'll give you one. Maybe. haha. Night all.

Je ne me souviens..

   No, it's not a freaking joke, so stop laughing. I'm having a terrible time remembering words or anything for that matter. I'll stop to moments at a time to recall a word as simple as sectional. People seem to think it's hilarious, but it's scary as hell. I don't know what's going on with me, but I'm afraid I'm losing my mind. My dream is to become a writer, but how will that ever happen if I can't remember anything. I can't even remember picking this outfit this morning or what I ate four hours ago. I don't know how to fix this.
  I'm hoping all of this just goes away and I get better. I don't know what I'd do if I turned into a mindless zombie who couldn't even remember her own name. Here's hoping it never comes to that...

Love is...

  One of my favorite passages from the bible is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. It talks about love. Right now however, I have a few choice things to say about love, so here's my commentary..

  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
   So why is it that we pressure those we love into doing things they're not ready for? Why do those that are supposed to love us hurt us the most? Why are we jealous lovers? Why do kids brag about how far they've gone or things they've done. So many hurtful things are said and done and we refuse to forgive and forget. We're suspicious of each other and give up when things get to hard...
  Is there such a thing as love anymore or has our society tainted it to the point of ruin?  I really don't know anymore. Too many of my friends have been hurt by those who should love them and I myself have had enough hard times with "love". Maybe no one knows the real meaning of the word anymore. I don't know.. I just hope I find real love someday. Everyone deserves it.

Writing Love to stop The Voice

There's a voice in my head.
It's not very nice.
It says terrible things like,
"Just take the whole bottle,
it's not like anyone's going to miss you
if it kills you." or
"Don't bother,
it's never going to matter.
Just end it."
I hate that voice.
I yell at it constantly.
It's a war in my head
and i don't always win the battles..
But I will win this war
one step at a time.

   This week is national suicide prevention week. I didn't know that till yesterday haha. One of my friends is involved with To Write Love On Her Arms and announced that tomorrow everyone should write love on their arms to bring awareness about the week and their cause. For those of you who are unfamiliar with TWLOHA please visit their site http://www.twloha.com/ . They really do care about people and are a great operation.

So, everyone that reads this, please remember
Write love on your arms
tomorrow.

Maturation...

I'm writing this in Consumer Education. Sh, don't tell anyone haha. Also, this is my first blog, so be patient with me. >.<


   This year I'm really feeling the pressure to grow up. I've always felt like I should be a mature young adult, but now I feel like there are people behind me pushing me out on my own. My life seems to be dictated by school, work, band, and preparing for the future. I can feel myself distancing from my friends and the stress is building up in what feels like pebbles in my lungs. It hurts and it's scary and I'm so tired of it. I'm not sure this "preparation" is worth my health or happiness. But I'm probably just not handling it correctly. I don't know..
   Anyways, despite the constant work and worry, I've finally come up with some kind of plan. My parents have decided to do everything in their power to support me in my dream of becoming a well known creative writer. I'm thinking about attending the University of Iowa and following their creative writing track into the Writing Studio. I've heard a lot of great things about it and I actually attended their Young Writers' Studio this summer and I fell in love with the campus and the atmosphere.
   I'll want my own apartment though. It doesn't have to be expensive, just comfortable. Maybe I'll find a friend to share it with, but it'll be nice to have my own space to let my creativity free. I can't wait to move out on my own...